Now that the Thanksgiving-induced tryptofan has worn off...this happens.
Yes, that is a Periodic Table of Cupcakes. And if you think that's the best use of cupcakes by Squares, then you clearly haven't seen the Watchmen cupcakes yet!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Ultimate Square Foodies
Now that the Thanksgiving-induced tryptofan has worn off...this happens.
Yes, that is a Periodic Table of Cupcakes. And if you think that's the best use of cupcakes by Squares, then you clearly haven't seen the Watchmen cupcakes yet!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I Can't Believe It's Almost My Last Name!
by Ninja Thanksgiving
I'm a Capricorn and I prefer to just get down to business rather than flapping gums. Thus, I'm bad at networking and small talk. While attempting to make small talk, I tend to make inappropriate jokes, call people "sucka", or reveal something embarrassing about my childhood. This is why I love Fridays and the days leading up to holidays. Instead of making small talk about the weather or the events of a staff meeting, you can ask people what their plans are. These past couple of days, I've been doing just that, about Thanksgiving. Only I kind of really suck at it, because someone will say, "Oh, I'm going to Toledo to be with my family." And I reply, "What are you eating?" Or they'll say, "I'm going to New Orleans to feed the homeless." And I reply, "What are you eating?" Or they'll say, "Harry Connick Jr. and I are going to murder my mother-in-law and steal the thousands of dollars she keeps in her mattress and then run away to an island in the South Pacific." And I reply, "Yes, yes, but what are you eating?" (If you answered "Harry Connick Jr.," you lose. That's gross.)
I love autumnal food. Cinnamon. Maple. Savory and sweet and tart. I love it. And with Thanksgiving smack in the middle of the season, its food is naturally the best. Back in the day, in my childhood, we would have pot luck buffet holidays at my aunt and uncle's house. My whole family would be there, those six cousins would be there, and sometimes other randoms of my huge family would drop by. We did this for every holiday, so lots of times we'd have the same options for each holiday, but most of the stuff I grabbed was the Thanksgivingy stuff. Man, I love Thanksgiving. Here's a list of the food I would be eating at my ideal Thanksgiving. And after I finish writing it, I'm going to pretend to go play Prince of Persia in the spare room with my little cousins once-removed.
Number One on the list? Ham. I know, I know. It's Thanksgiving. Turkey. But I don't really like poultry. If I have the option of eating something with feathers or something with a pelt, I'm going to go with the pelt. (Pigs have pelts, right?) Unless the feathers are teamed with avacado, and then all bets are off. But seriously, ham. It doesn't even need to be spiral-sliced or honey baked. It jsut needs to be juicy and a little sweet and obviously it's going to be because it's so good!
Number two? Whole cranberry sauce. My midwestern soul must have known that one day I would end up in New England, which, in my option, is just basically one big patriotic cranberry bog. At the pot luck buffet, we didn't have cranberry sauce much. We had its bastard cousin, jello salad. Not tasty. I'm not a big fan of whipped cream on anything fruity.
Corn spoon bread. I feel like an asshole for putting this at number three, since this is what my mother makes and it's amazing. It's so amazing she was written up a couple of years ago in the Oakland Press under the headline "Spooning for Good Taste." She's a 60-something year old widow.
Fucking stuffing! At work, at the caf, there's a little place that serves turkey and sides, and they have this things called "Dinner on the Side." It's just four sides, a thing of cranberry sauce, and a roll. The stuffing. It be outrageously good. I think as a kid we just had Stove Top, but now I think I'm becomming a stuffing snob. I don't want raisins or weirdo fruit in my stuffing. Classic stuffing, and two servings, plz.
And for desert, Rice Krispie Treats. They're so easy to grab! We would have at least two different trays made by two different cousins at any given holiday. Clearly they were a favorite with the kids, and at one point I tried to pretend like I was too old and mature for them and ate a piece of pie. FAIL. Although I love to make pie (and will be making one this Thanksgiving), I do not like tasting the pie.
If you're wondering, I think this Thanksgiving I'm having Cornish Game Hens! That's in caps because it's just too amazing! I'm fancy.
By the way, I hate Normal Rockwell. Damn WASPs ruining my life. I just posted that picture because it's iconic and sort of looks like maybe all those family members are hitting on each other or evil. Kind of like these guys. Look out, Nick! They're coming at you from all sides, them and their eyebrows and vests!
I'm a Capricorn and I prefer to just get down to business rather than flapping gums. Thus, I'm bad at networking and small talk. While attempting to make small talk, I tend to make inappropriate jokes, call people "sucka", or reveal something embarrassing about my childhood. This is why I love Fridays and the days leading up to holidays. Instead of making small talk about the weather or the events of a staff meeting, you can ask people what their plans are. These past couple of days, I've been doing just that, about Thanksgiving. Only I kind of really suck at it, because someone will say, "Oh, I'm going to Toledo to be with my family." And I reply, "What are you eating?" Or they'll say, "I'm going to New Orleans to feed the homeless." And I reply, "What are you eating?" Or they'll say, "Harry Connick Jr. and I are going to murder my mother-in-law and steal the thousands of dollars she keeps in her mattress and then run away to an island in the South Pacific." And I reply, "Yes, yes, but what are you eating?" (If you answered "Harry Connick Jr.," you lose. That's gross.)
I love autumnal food. Cinnamon. Maple. Savory and sweet and tart. I love it. And with Thanksgiving smack in the middle of the season, its food is naturally the best. Back in the day, in my childhood, we would have pot luck buffet holidays at my aunt and uncle's house. My whole family would be there, those six cousins would be there, and sometimes other randoms of my huge family would drop by. We did this for every holiday, so lots of times we'd have the same options for each holiday, but most of the stuff I grabbed was the Thanksgivingy stuff. Man, I love Thanksgiving. Here's a list of the food I would be eating at my ideal Thanksgiving. And after I finish writing it, I'm going to pretend to go play Prince of Persia in the spare room with my little cousins once-removed.
Number One on the list? Ham. I know, I know. It's Thanksgiving. Turkey. But I don't really like poultry. If I have the option of eating something with feathers or something with a pelt, I'm going to go with the pelt. (Pigs have pelts, right?) Unless the feathers are teamed with avacado, and then all bets are off. But seriously, ham. It doesn't even need to be spiral-sliced or honey baked. It jsut needs to be juicy and a little sweet and obviously it's going to be because it's so good!
Number two? Whole cranberry sauce. My midwestern soul must have known that one day I would end up in New England, which, in my option, is just basically one big patriotic cranberry bog. At the pot luck buffet, we didn't have cranberry sauce much. We had its bastard cousin, jello salad. Not tasty. I'm not a big fan of whipped cream on anything fruity.
Corn spoon bread. I feel like an asshole for putting this at number three, since this is what my mother makes and it's amazing. It's so amazing she was written up a couple of years ago in the Oakland Press under the headline "Spooning for Good Taste." She's a 60-something year old widow.
Fucking stuffing! At work, at the caf, there's a little place that serves turkey and sides, and they have this things called "Dinner on the Side." It's just four sides, a thing of cranberry sauce, and a roll. The stuffing. It be outrageously good. I think as a kid we just had Stove Top, but now I think I'm becomming a stuffing snob. I don't want raisins or weirdo fruit in my stuffing. Classic stuffing, and two servings, plz.
And for desert, Rice Krispie Treats. They're so easy to grab! We would have at least two different trays made by two different cousins at any given holiday. Clearly they were a favorite with the kids, and at one point I tried to pretend like I was too old and mature for them and ate a piece of pie. FAIL. Although I love to make pie (and will be making one this Thanksgiving), I do not like tasting the pie.
If you're wondering, I think this Thanksgiving I'm having Cornish Game Hens! That's in caps because it's just too amazing! I'm fancy.
By the way, I hate Normal Rockwell. Damn WASPs ruining my life. I just posted that picture because it's iconic and sort of looks like maybe all those family members are hitting on each other or evil. Kind of like these guys. Look out, Nick! They're coming at you from all sides, them and their eyebrows and vests!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Bravo! Square Quote of the Week!
"I eventually -- very solemnly, with a little bit of malice in my voice -- said, 'Ma'am, with all due respect, you can go jump off a bridge.'" - 10-year-old Will Phillips to his teacher, after he refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance in class until there is truly equality for all
He went on to add, "I've grown up with a lot of people and I'm good friends with a lot of people who are gay and I think they should have the rights all people should, and I'm not going to swear that they do." Hurrah, young Mister Phillips! Thank you for restoring our faith in younger generations. See the video below for some thoughtful (and hilarious) insights from the Arkansas adolescent and future lawyer.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Letter to Crazies: Puppy Weddings vs. Monkey Babies
Dear Crazy People,
Please do not dress your dogs up in human clothes and have them get "married." It's freaking scary. Why do you think we'll believe your contrived backstories for your dogs? Do you really think me, a grown woman, is going to believe that a King Charles spaniel named Penny Lane is a "former ballerina" who now "handles the front desk" at a dance studio?!
And furthermore, crazy people, do not attempt to replace your human child with a monkey baby to compensate for your empty nest issues.
(Click here to see a clip from that show!)
There's nothing sadder than watching an adult think that her monkey baby accidentally swallowed some pills and then call her monkey psychic to ask if her monkey baby did indeed swallow those pills. This insanity must stop. You all are acting like a bunch of Elmiras, ok?! If you're over the age of ten and have some psychological issues that need working out, then go to a nice psychologist's office and leave poor animals alooooone!!
XOXO,
VC
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Bitch Lessons from Melrose Place
Make no mistake, I am a Melrose Place enthusiast. I even freaking watch the new MP on The CW, ok?! That's dedication. But how can you NOT be dedicated to such an amazingly balls-to-the-wall type of show?!
Seriously, if someone can name a show with plots MORE ludicrous than the original MP series, I'll give them a million bucks. Can't do it, can you? (And don't even come at me with Nip/Tuck plots, because no one on Nip/Tuck ever had a split personality that was the director in charge of a mental institution.)
And tonight, sitting through the latest MP series is about to pay off for all of us old school fans. BEHOLD!
AMANDA IS BACK!!!! Oh, I remember seeing advertisements for the old MP with a giant close-up of Heather Locklear's face and the text reading, "Monday nights are a bitch." If Melrose taught us anything, it's that being a "bitch" can be totally necessary. Because bitches get shit done. (And yes, men can be bitches, too!!)
1. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your dumbass employee Allison gets you in trouble at work because Allison mistakenly tells people she saw you and your mother's boyfriend Chas (who is ALSO your employee!) kissing in the conference room. Oh hell no.
2. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you're trying to kill Dr. Michael Mancini and don't want to be arrested for the attempted murder, and thus need to pin the deed on your clueless partner-in-crime.
3. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...the parents of your dead baby daddy are trying to sue you for full custody of your newborn baby. Then, you put your trust in redhead Dr. Kimberly Shaw to help you get out of that situation and Dr. Kimberly Shaw winds up STEALING YOUR BABY!
4. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your girlfriend just doesn't understand your pain! Your motorcycle shop burned down! And that was your LIVELIHOOD, MAN!!
5. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your girlfriend is being harassed by an ex-boyfriend. And sometimes it's best to cause a ruckus at the harasser's place of business, a construction site.
6. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your sister marries your cheating ex-husband and deigns to wear your wedding dress!!!
7. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you want to get laid at work.
8. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you've just been hired as Chief of Staff at a hospital, and two clowns walk in and try to chat you up before you've even finished moving into your new office.
9. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you're snooping through your boss' office and a blind colleague walks in on you. (Too bad the blind colleague is only pretending to still be blind, huh?!)
10. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your multiple personality tells you to be a bitch.
For a list of other memorable tv bitches, click here!
Seriously, if someone can name a show with plots MORE ludicrous than the original MP series, I'll give them a million bucks. Can't do it, can you? (And don't even come at me with Nip/Tuck plots, because no one on Nip/Tuck ever had a split personality that was the director in charge of a mental institution.)
And tonight, sitting through the latest MP series is about to pay off for all of us old school fans. BEHOLD!
AMANDA IS BACK!!!! Oh, I remember seeing advertisements for the old MP with a giant close-up of Heather Locklear's face and the text reading, "Monday nights are a bitch." If Melrose taught us anything, it's that being a "bitch" can be totally necessary. Because bitches get shit done. (And yes, men can be bitches, too!!)
1. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your dumbass employee Allison gets you in trouble at work because Allison mistakenly tells people she saw you and your mother's boyfriend Chas (who is ALSO your employee!) kissing in the conference room. Oh hell no.
2. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you're trying to kill Dr. Michael Mancini and don't want to be arrested for the attempted murder, and thus need to pin the deed on your clueless partner-in-crime.
3. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...the parents of your dead baby daddy are trying to sue you for full custody of your newborn baby. Then, you put your trust in redhead Dr. Kimberly Shaw to help you get out of that situation and Dr. Kimberly Shaw winds up STEALING YOUR BABY!
4. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your girlfriend just doesn't understand your pain! Your motorcycle shop burned down! And that was your LIVELIHOOD, MAN!!
5. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your girlfriend is being harassed by an ex-boyfriend. And sometimes it's best to cause a ruckus at the harasser's place of business, a construction site.
6. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your sister marries your cheating ex-husband and deigns to wear your wedding dress!!!
7. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you want to get laid at work.
8. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you've just been hired as Chief of Staff at a hospital, and two clowns walk in and try to chat you up before you've even finished moving into your new office.
9. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you're snooping through your boss' office and a blind colleague walks in on you. (Too bad the blind colleague is only pretending to still be blind, huh?!)
10. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your multiple personality tells you to be a bitch.
For a list of other memorable tv bitches, click here!
Between the Two Squares
It's another awkward edition of "Between the Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis"...featuring Conan (a.k.a. Conando, The Cone Zone, or CoCo)!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Only Hippies I Will Ever Like
Let's just get this out of the way. I'm the world's worst blogger. I'm sorry. I've been real busy watching episodes of JONAS dubbed into French, okay?
So all over the news they've been talking about Sesame Street's birthday. And I'm real pumepd for it. Did I have a Bert balloon that I bought a Kroger during an Anne of Green Gables stage crew break during high school? I did. And did I let it deflate and then proudly display it as art in my bedroom? I did. It's still there. I love Bert. He's confident in a way that loudmouth Ernie could never be. He love pigeons and bottle caps and he has a unibrow and he doesn't care what you think about him because he's happy being himself. BERT!
Anyway, in all the hubub of the anniversary, no one's mentioned my favorite SS sketch. It follows.
Meanwhile, I can't find my second favorite sketch, which involves some king or something trying to write a poem for a lady. And he gets all his best thinkers together to try to finish the poem he started. Here's now it goes.
"The loveliest flower I know is the rose
That I see with my eyes
and I smell with my . . ."
So the king can't think of how to end the poem. Now, you and I can figure out the word he wants is "nose," but this is Sesame Street, people, so they have to do a little trial and error. In the end he figures it out, and a lovely poem is created, but the best part is when one of his little minions offers up, in an awesome, heavy French accent, "Bellybooton!" Cracked my shit up. Also, let it be known that I'm pretty sure I first saw that sketch in college. Yes, I was still watching full episodes of Sesame Street in college! PBS. You. My. Boo.
So all over the news they've been talking about Sesame Street's birthday. And I'm real pumepd for it. Did I have a Bert balloon that I bought a Kroger during an Anne of Green Gables stage crew break during high school? I did. And did I let it deflate and then proudly display it as art in my bedroom? I did. It's still there. I love Bert. He's confident in a way that loudmouth Ernie could never be. He love pigeons and bottle caps and he has a unibrow and he doesn't care what you think about him because he's happy being himself. BERT!
Anyway, in all the hubub of the anniversary, no one's mentioned my favorite SS sketch. It follows.
Meanwhile, I can't find my second favorite sketch, which involves some king or something trying to write a poem for a lady. And he gets all his best thinkers together to try to finish the poem he started. Here's now it goes.
"The loveliest flower I know is the rose
That I see with my eyes
and I smell with my . . ."
So the king can't think of how to end the poem. Now, you and I can figure out the word he wants is "nose," but this is Sesame Street, people, so they have to do a little trial and error. In the end he figures it out, and a lovely poem is created, but the best part is when one of his little minions offers up, in an awesome, heavy French accent, "Bellybooton!" Cracked my shit up. Also, let it be known that I'm pretty sure I first saw that sketch in college. Yes, I was still watching full episodes of Sesame Street in college! PBS. You. My. Boo.
Drunk Ewoks.
Hey, who wants to see some Ewoks get intoxicated, dance like Michael Jackson, and hump Al Roker's leg on live morning television?!
...and this is why The Today Show is amazing. What. The. Hell.
...and this is why The Today Show is amazing. What. The. Hell.
Remember the Time...?
I really don't think words are necessary in order to preface this next clip; however, I will say that if VH1 ever did a countdown of the "Most 90s Music Videos of the 90s" this would be in the top five. The hair? The clothes? The Blossom nostalgia?
Now have fun getting THIS out of your head for the rest of the day:
P.S. Something to think about -- what is an "opinionation," exactly?!!!! Is that like "holeration" or "danceree?"
Now have fun getting THIS out of your head for the rest of the day:
P.S. Something to think about -- what is an "opinionation," exactly?!!!! Is that like "holeration" or "danceree?"
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
NYC Marathon '09 : Square Central
Let's give a big round of Internet applause to the Squares who participated in the 2009 New York City Marathon...especially all of them who were cool enough to wear bitchin' Halloween costumes!! Click here to enjoy the Top 25 Best Costumes of the NYC Marathon.
[image via Buzzfeed]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
