Bitch Lessons from Melrose Place

Make no mistake, I am a Melrose Place enthusiast. I even freaking watch the new MP on The CW, ok?! That's dedication. But how can you NOT be dedicated to such an amazingly balls-to-the-wall type of show?!

Seriously, if someone can name a show with plots MORE ludicrous than the original MP series, I'll give them a million bucks. Can't do it, can you? (And don't even come at me with Nip/Tuck plots, because no one on Nip/Tuck ever had a split personality that was the director in charge of a mental institution.)

And tonight, sitting through the latest MP series is about to pay off for all of us old school fans. BEHOLD!



AMANDA IS BACK!!!! Oh, I remember seeing advertisements for the old MP with a giant close-up of Heather Locklear's face and the text reading, "Monday nights are a bitch." If Melrose taught us anything, it's that being a "bitch" can be totally necessary. Because bitches get shit done. (And yes, men can be bitches, too!!)

1. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your dumbass employee Allison gets you in trouble at work because Allison mistakenly tells people she saw you and your mother's boyfriend Chas (who is ALSO your employee!) kissing in the conference room. Oh hell no.


2. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you're trying to kill Dr. Michael Mancini and don't want to be arrested for the attempted murder, and thus need to pin the deed on your clueless partner-in-crime.


3. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...the parents of your dead baby daddy are trying to sue you for full custody of your newborn baby. Then, you put your trust in redhead Dr. Kimberly Shaw to help you get out of that situation and Dr. Kimberly Shaw winds up STEALING YOUR BABY!


4. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your girlfriend just doesn't understand your pain! Your motorcycle shop burned down! And that was your LIVELIHOOD, MAN!!


5. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your girlfriend is being harassed by an ex-boyfriend. And sometimes it's best to cause a ruckus at the harasser's place of business, a construction site.


6. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your sister marries your cheating ex-husband and deigns to wear your wedding dress!!!


7. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you want to get laid at work.


8. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you've just been hired as Chief of Staff at a hospital, and two clowns walk in and try to chat you up before you've even finished moving into your new office.


9. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you're snooping through your boss' office and a blind colleague walks in on you. (Too bad the blind colleague is only pretending to still be blind, huh?!)


10. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your multiple personality tells you to be a bitch.


For a list of other memorable tv bitches, click here!