Sunday, November 22, 2009

I Can't Believe It's Almost My Last Name!

by Ninja Thanksgiving

I'm a Capricorn and I prefer to just get down to business rather than flapping gums. Thus, I'm bad at networking and small talk. While attempting to make small talk, I tend to make inappropriate jokes, call people "sucka", or reveal something embarrassing about my childhood. This is why I love Fridays and the days leading up to holidays. Instead of making small talk about the weather or the events of a staff meeting, you can ask people what their plans are. These past couple of days, I've been doing just that, about Thanksgiving. Only I kind of really suck at it, because someone will say, "Oh, I'm going to Toledo to be with my family." And I reply, "What are you eating?" Or they'll say, "I'm going to New Orleans to feed the homeless." And I reply, "What are you eating?" Or they'll say, "Harry Connick Jr. and I are going to murder my mother-in-law and steal the thousands of dollars she keeps in her mattress and then run away to an island in the South Pacific." And I reply, "Yes, yes, but what are you eating?" (If you answered "Harry Connick Jr.," you lose. That's gross.)

I love autumnal food. Cinnamon. Maple. Savory and sweet and tart. I love it. And with Thanksgiving smack in the middle of the season, its food is naturally the best. Back in the day, in my childhood, we would have pot luck buffet holidays at my aunt and uncle's house. My whole family would be there, those six cousins would be there, and sometimes other randoms of my huge family would drop by. We did this for every holiday, so lots of times we'd have the same options for each holiday, but most of the stuff I grabbed was the Thanksgivingy stuff. Man, I love Thanksgiving. Here's a list of the food I would be eating at my ideal Thanksgiving. And after I finish writing it, I'm going to pretend to go play Prince of Persia in the spare room with my little cousins once-removed.

Number One on the list? Ham. I know, I know. It's Thanksgiving. Turkey. But I don't really like poultry. If I have the option of eating something with feathers or something with a pelt, I'm going to go with the pelt. (Pigs have pelts, right?) Unless the feathers are teamed with avacado, and then all bets are off. But seriously, ham. It doesn't even need to be spiral-sliced or honey baked. It jsut needs to be juicy and a little sweet and obviously it's going to be because it's so good!

Number two? Whole cranberry sauce. My midwestern soul must have known that one day I would end up in New England, which, in my option, is just basically one big patriotic cranberry bog. At the pot luck buffet, we didn't have cranberry sauce much. We had its bastard cousin, jello salad. Not tasty. I'm not a big fan of whipped cream on anything fruity.

Corn spoon bread. I feel like an asshole for putting this at number three, since this is what my mother makes and it's amazing. It's so amazing she was written up a couple of years ago in the Oakland Press under the headline "Spooning for Good Taste." She's a 60-something year old widow.

Fucking stuffing! At work, at the caf, there's a little place that serves turkey and sides, and they have this things called "Dinner on the Side." It's just four sides, a thing of cranberry sauce, and a roll. The stuffing. It be outrageously good. I think as a kid we just had Stove Top, but now I think I'm becomming a stuffing snob. I don't want raisins or weirdo fruit in my stuffing. Classic stuffing, and two servings, plz.

And for desert, Rice Krispie Treats. They're so easy to grab! We would have at least two different trays made by two different cousins at any given holiday. Clearly they were a favorite with the kids, and at one point I tried to pretend like I was too old and mature for them and ate a piece of pie. FAIL. Although I love to make pie (and will be making one this Thanksgiving), I do not like tasting the pie.

If you're wondering, I think this Thanksgiving I'm having Cornish Game Hens! That's in caps because it's just too amazing! I'm fancy.

By the way, I hate Normal Rockwell. Damn WASPs ruining my life. I just posted that picture because it's iconic and sort of looks like maybe all those family members are hitting on each other or evil. Kind of like these guys. Look out, Nick! They're coming at you from all sides, them and their eyebrows and vests!