Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Square Awards: Best of the '00s *WINNERS!*

For outstanding (and craptastic) achievement in the '00s, we Squares would like to present a weird, outsidery Square Award to...

...drumroll please...


The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Music Video goes to "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance!

“Three words: Colleen Atwood costumes.” – Vampire Christmas

“It features, in a starring role, the king of '00 music videos, Lukas Haas.” – Ninja Thanksgiving

“Face it, this should have won a Mtv Video Music Award.” – VC

“It’s made by Squares and it’s for Squares! It’s FUBU!” – NT

(Sidenote: We Squares would like to commend close Best Music Video runner-up "Trapped in the Closet," which transcends any sort of categorization.)

The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic Music Video goes to..."A Milli” by Lil’ Wayne

“What the f**k is he talking about?!” – NT

“Oh, it’s so edgy to just walk around like that and act like an idiot!” – VC

“I don’t want to look at his face for three minutes. And I don’t want to hear his robot voice. Robots are scary.” – NT

“I can’t believe he fronts on 'shy chicks.' What’s his problem with shy chicks?! He is now my enemy.” – VC


The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Movie goes to Brokeback Mountain!

“It’s got to be Brokeback, right? It was an emotional roller coaster.” – NT

“True. All the franchise movies really made me split their votes. I can’t pick one Harry Potter movie above all the rest. And no way are you making me choose just one out of all those Lord of the Rings movies. Nuh-uh. Or The Dark Knight versus Batman Begins?! Don't even get me started. My head would explode trying to pick a favorite. But everything -- the art direction, the acting, the tear-jerky music -- was perfect in Brokeback, despite its non-blockbuster status and lack of hobbits.” – VC

“Here’s the thing that makes it extra-amazing: It came out in a decade when Jude Law had one million movies out, and I still picked Brokeback Mountain.” – NT

“It’s just so quotable! Is that wrong?” – VC

The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic Movie goes to Across the Universe!

“ARGH! This is so hard to decide!! That Catwoman movie shat all over Michelle Pfeiffer’s awesomeness.” – VC

“But Across the Universe is the worst. The Worst. I can’t even remember all the other nominees, because it was so bad!” – NT

“You’re right. It was so pointless. Remember the time they named characters after Beatles songs just so they can have a reason to sing songs like 'Hey Jude' and 'Dear Prudence?' The plot was thrown together, and not in a fun Rocky Horror way either. More like it was thrown together in a condescending way. ‘Oh look! Artsy kids today don’t care if there’s no plot or character development as long as we just put some bright colors here and there!’” - VC

“I don’t understand why that one character didn’t just run away to avoid the war. Why did he join the army if he was such a hippie? He could’ve gone to Canada. Or broken his leg. Bullshit. He is the shittiest hippie I’ve ever seen in my life.” - NT

“You know it’s a bad movie when I think a character’s being played by Robin Williams and it turns out to be Bono.” - VC


The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved TV Show goes to Rome!

"Ahhhhhhh!!!! Rome!!!!!!!!!!" - VC

"Atia of the Julii, I call for Justice!" - NT

"Now, other tv shows rocked, but I have never in all my Square years seen a show as complete and totally wonderful as Rome. The finale was the best series finale in all of television. That's just the way it is. Deal with it." - VC

"Don't forget how badass the opening credits were, too! Remember how Mark Antony went batshit crazy in Egypt, started wearing eyeliner, and then he and Cleopatra hunted her servants like animals?" - NT

"Was there anything not to like about Rome?! People, go and Netflix Rome right now and you won't be sorry. Just don't buy it yet, because it still costs a billion dollars. It's THAT good!" - VC

The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic TV Show goes to The Swan!

“In don’t understand how people could watch that. Those women have so many emotional problems to deal with, and that show just glosses over it. They’re still going to have those problems, even with the surgery. Where’s the show about THAT?!” – VC

“It’s all for a competitive tv show, and it’s making it ok for normal women to not like themselves...everything is wrong about that.” – NT

“That show made the audience want to die.” – VC


The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Celebrity Crush goes's a tie! Adam Brody and Captain Jack Sparrow share this award!

“This is impossible. I’ve had so many crushes this decade. And it seems unfair, because Jude Law is always my number one. I can’t choose a hottie who’s not Jude Law, because whoever I’m hottying will lose to Jude Law. He’s always hottying above them. It’s not fair. And also, the Jonas brothers should be on this list.” – NT

“James Hetfield will always be my number one celebrity crush! Apologies to Jake Gyllenhaal, who has been my number two for a good solid three years.” – VC

“I won’t lie to you…Joe Jonas is my number two right now.” - NT

“Ouch. Ok, pedophile.” – VC

“Hey! He is 20 years old! Shut up! You’re the pedophile!” - NT

“What?!” - VC

“You know you are.” - NT

“Pedophilia isn’t a joke. But seriously, should we do a tie or something?” - VC

“I guess if we’re going to contain the best hottie to this decade and ignore our number ones, then my solid crush, the man who exemplifies the ‘00s to me is Adam Brody. He only had two good years in the ‘00s, but they were good years.” - NT

"Then, I'm totally going with Cap'n Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp was box office poison, and now look! He's been People's Sexiest Man TWICE in the '00s. Actually, I'm sure he enjoyed being box office poison better than being People's Sexiest. But Captain Jack got him an Oscar nomination for a boozy, fey pirate in a Disney movie! It was such a good role that the Academy actually recognized him for his awesome character work! We knew how hot JD was in the 90s, but Captain Jack and all his craziness defined the '00s for me." - VC


The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Book goes to Middlesex!

"Every sentence that he writes is beautiful and meaningful, but you don’t realize it. And the plot moves around epically without dragging. And it’s all just amazing." - NT

"There is no one I know who has read this book and NOT thought it was one of the best they'd ever read. Fact." - VC

The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic Book goes to Twilight!

“Hey Stephanie Meyer, nice adjectives!” - NT

“Every sentence made me want to hurl book across the room. We get it! Edward is supposed to be the most attractive man ever. However, no reader in their right mind can actually believe that when the author goes into super detail about the wetness of his hair and the sparkliness of his skin and the tight white turtleneck sweaters that he wears. This? This is attractive? IF I thought was attractive, I would’ve been in love with Dawson Leery. But for the record, let me state, I never had a crush on Dawson Leery. Pacey is my boo.” - VC



“I read it on the toilet, and I’ve crapped out better literature than that. And I have irritable bowel syndrome.” - NT

“What does that mean?” - VC

“It just means it ain’t pretty.” - NT


The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Online Junk goes to!

“Once I saw a guy on the T who had a Trogdor messenger bag. And I liked it.” - NT

“One of my friends had a Trogdor decal for her car, and I liked that.” - VC

“Consummate Vs. And that time StrongBad made a montage of “like, whatever?” Oh man, I could watch that right now.” - NT


The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic Online Junk goes to...YouTube videos where you think it’s going to be a video and ends up being a slideshow of pictures.

“That pisses me off more than anything.” - NT

“Girl, thank you! If I wanted to see pictures, I could look under my saved photos on my desktop!” - VC

“…and put my iPOD on shuffle, you know what I’m saying?” - NT

“And they are always the worst pictures, too. Or the worst screencaps.” - VC

“And the music videos are always to something like 'Girlfriend' by Avril Lavigne.” - NT

“For real. Or 'You Belong With Me' by Taylor Swift. Uh, no.” - VC


Thanks for being awesome, our fearlessly Square readers! Have a fantabulous and fabulous beginning to 2010! Deuces.