Squares!! Have you heard? Tonight is The Golden Globes! Obviously this means I'm going to have to catch repeat showings of the wonderful Downton Abbey on PBS, because the Globes this year is shaping up to be a fantastic show. Plenty of Square-friendly films have come out in recent months, and I've made it my business to get acquainted with many of them.
Black Swan, for example, appeals to Squares to may obsess over dance movies, be fond of Darren Aronofsky movies, or just like staring at Natalie Portman. Blue Valentine should appeal to those Squares who are sick of romance being glamorized in horrible rom-coms, or it may appeal to Squares who just like looking at Ryan Gosling. See where I'm going here? Let me break it down for you: if Ricky Gervais doesn't deliver the funny as official host (doubtful; he always kills it at award shows), then at least the audience will be FIIIIIIIIIINE.
How YOU doin', Inception cast?!
And in cast any of you care about the "film" part of the Golden Globes, here is a list of who I'd pick as Golden Globes winners and why, if I ruled the Foreign Press. (Let's get serious, I should.)
Best Television Series - Drama
Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
The Good Wife (CBS)
Mad Men (AMC)
The Walking Dead (AMC)
Square Winner: Let's start by saying The Good Wife is surprising solid. Good story, cable-quality look, stellar acting, and full of kick-ass female characters. Boardwalk Empire, I've noticed, is an underground hit with a lot of you Squares. Mad Men was predictably good, but this season it meandered around a bit too much while characters were fitting into their new lives/new office setting. The Walking Dead is showing some great promise, and I hope the show doesn't tank next season due to the firing of their writing staff and all. So, what does that leave? Your fave and mine, Dexter.
Why so Square? Dexter keeps Squares on their toes...just when you think the show is getting stale, they'll throw a great season at you and blow your mind.
Best Performance By An Actress In A Television Series - Drama
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)
Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)
Piper Perabo (Covert Affairs)
Katey Sagal (Sons of Anarchy
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)
Square Winner: Elisabeth Moss is divine, and certainly worthy. I wouldn't get up and threaten to shut off the tv if she wins or anything. But how great would it be to see Katey Sagal get recognized for her Queen of Badassery character? She convinced me she was a completely different entity from her Married with Children character after only one episode in Season 1...long before she threatened to kill a baby this season.
Why so Square? Squares like innovation, and I don't recall another biker Lady Macbeth character on television EVER, do you?
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Best Performance By An Actor In A Television Series - Drama
Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire)
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
Michael C. Hall (Dexter)
Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
Hugh Laurie (House)
Square Winner: Yes, yes. I know, The World. Bryan Cranston is great! Jon Hamm is so sexy! Hugh Laurie is really British and not an invalid! Steve Buscemi...is...Steve Buscemi, finally in a leading role on a major network "hit!" Yaaaaaaaay. Oh, did I say Yay? I meant snooze. The media has beaten these actors' roles into the ground already. Whoever wins is fine. So. Let's just say the Square winner is Steve Buscemi?
Why so Square? Because he plays a character called "Nucky" and was great in Desperado back in the day?
Best Television Series - Comedy or Musical
30 Rock (NBC)
The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
The Big C (Showtime)
Modern Family (ABC)
Nurse Jackie (Showtime)
Square Winner: NO PARKS & RECREATION OR COMMUNITY?! YA DONE GOOFED, FOREIGN PRESS!!! We Squares are revolting and naming both Parks & Rec and Community as winners.
Why so Square? Oh, I dunno...excellent writing? Characters you actually care about? Ron Effing Swanson?!!
Best Performance By An Actress In A Television Series - Comedy or Musical
Toni Collette (United States of Tara)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Laura Linney (The Big C)
Leah Michele (Glee)
Square Winner: Oh. I didn't realize it was considered "good performing" to constantly twist your face in agony for every single song you sing, be it a happy song or a sad song. How silly of me. Still...I think I can safely say that Tina Fey is the real winner here.
Why so Square? Liz Lemon is a poster child for Squaredom -- a loveable, hilarious Other who stays true to herself. And if that involves staying at home alone with a Snuggie and eating cheese? So be it!
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
Steve Carell (The Office)
Thomas Jane (Hung)
Matthew Morrison (Glee)
Jim Parson (The Big Bang Theory)
Square Winner: Alec Baldwin! I don't want to rag on the certainly award-worthy acting happening in Glee, the singing high school show, but Matthew Morrison's character is a shitshow. Bad teacher, bad husband, bad boyfriend, too clingy, too selfish, not hot in any way, mediocre dancer...am I leaving something out? If he were supposed to be playing Mediocre Teacher or The Villain, I would certainly support his nomination. But he's supposed to be The Popular Teacher and The Hero, so fuck that mess. Yes, Internet, I saw his abs. Big deal.
Why so Square? Dryness, with a heaping scoop of Zing! insults, attracts Square love like none other.
Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Carlos (Sundance Channel)
The Pacific (HBO)
Pillar of the Earth (Starz)
Temple Grandin (HBO)
You Don't Know Jack (HBO)
Square Winner: Temple Grandin.
Why so Square? Good on Starz for being nominated, but Temple Grandin for two big reasons. 1.) It was great to see Angela Chase doing something other than mooning around and thinking about Jordan Catalano. 2.) Temple Grandin didn't horribly slaughter the MidWestern accent. I'm looking at YOU, You Don't Know Jack!!!!
Best Performance By An Actress In A Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Hayley Atwell (Pillars of the Earth)
Claire Danes (Temple Grandin)
Judi Dench (Return to Cranford)
Romola Garai (Emma)
Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Client List)
Square Winner: Wow. I bet this nomination is the crowning achievement of Jennifer Love Hewitt's career, huh? I won't say another word about her, then. Enjoy your night, lady! But the winner is the old biddy from Return to Cranford. Sorry, DAME Old Biddy!
Why so Square? Everyone loves a crotchety lady who is willing to help her friend when her friend's cat eats expensive antique lace and poops it out.
Best Performance By An Actor In A Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Idris Elba (Luther)
Ian McShane (Pillars of the Earth)
Al Pacino (You Don't Know Jack)
Dennis Quaid (The Special Relationship)
Edgar Ramirez (Carlos)
Square Winner: Idris Elba, aka Stringer Bell, aka Mumbles, aka My Friend Erin's Crush 4 Lyyyyyyyyfe.
Why so Square? Erin would kill me if I didn't declare him the winner. Good thing he happens to be the best on the list. Suck it, Americans.
Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role In A Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television
Hope Davis (The Special Relationship)
Jane Lynch (Glee)
Kelly MacDonald (Boardwalk Empire)
Julia Stiles (Dexter)
Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)
Square Winner: Jane Lynch is freaking amazing, and she's a fellow Square for sure. Julia Stiles will continue to get a free pass simply because she ruled in the late 1990s. Sofia Vergara is funny, but compared with Ms. Davis and Ms. MacDonald, she still has a lot to prove. Thus, it’s a tie! Congratulations, Hope Davis and Kelly MacDonald! You’ve been in the shadows for far too long, but we Squares have appreciated all your interesting characters, and we’re pumped to see you finally get some recognition!
Why so Square? They disappear so easily into their roles, it’s hard to remember they’re acting fiercely. Well played, ladies.
Best Performance By An Actor In A Supporting Role In A Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Scott Cann (Hawaii Five-O)
Chris Colfer (Glee)
Chris Noth (The Good Wife)
Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family)
David Strathairn (Temple Grandin)
Square Winner: You know who’s great? Scott Cann. You know who gives me an unsettling feeling? Chris Noth. Know who makes me cry on a cheesy show about singing teens? Chris Colfer. David Strathairn is always…in everything? (Love you, Strathairn, but you do need a big showboating role sometime soon to keep things interesting. Just a suggestion; you’re certainly a good actor.) So, that leaves Mr. Eric Stonestreet as our winner!!
Why so Square? Like Caan, Stonestreet makes me want to hang with his character. Like Colfer, Stonestreet can tug at my heartstrings. Unlike Noth, Stonestreet can create a believeable complex character.
1. Best Motion Picture – Drama
The King's Speech
Square Winner: It’s another tie!!!!! Congratulations, Black Swan and Inception; you all managed to find huge audiences despite non-“blockbuster” subject matter. The gorgeous art direction and the focus on intriguing characters doesn’t hurt, either.
Why so Square? Tight scripts, excellent acting, and bitchin’ soundtracks.
Best Performance By An Actress In A Motion Picture – Drama
Halle Berry (Frankie and Alice)
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)
Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone)
Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)
Square Winner: Natalie Portman, simply because I haven’t had the chance to see Winter’s Bone yet. When I do, I reserve the right to change my decision, because that film looks gooooood. So, congrats for now, Natalie Portman! Your descent into madness could’ve been the stuff of Melrose Place episodes, but your restraint during the first half of the movie made the last act a-freakin-mazaing.
Why so Square? Have you seen The Professional? Ok, then you know Natalie Portman’s been appealing to Squares for some time now.
Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture – Drama
Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)
Colin Firth (The King's Speech)
James Franco (127 Hours)
Ryan Gosling (Blue Valentine)
Mark Wahlberg (The Fighter)
Square Winner: It’s finally your time, Firth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great performances by all, but Firth’s work was a cut above. (No pun intended, Franco.)
Why so Square? Peep it:
And never forget:
Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Alice in Wonderland
The Kids Are All Right
Square Winner: Bwahahahahahahahahaha! Nope. There are no winners in this category. (Note: I think The Kids Are All Right would've swept this category with Squares if -SPOILER- Julianne Moore's affair with Ruffalo had been explained properly. Is Moore's character bisexual or what? Please don't leave us thinking she just decided to switch teams, 'cause we all know that's horseshit.)
Best Performance By An Actress In A Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right)
Anne Hathaway (Love and Other Drugs)
Angelina Jolie (The Tourist)
Julianne Moore (The Kids Are All Right)
Emma Stone (Easy A )
Square Winner: Are you kidding?! Clearly, Emma Stone! The others are wonderful actresses, but they’re walking through these roles. That’s right, I’m calling them out. You phoned in your performances, ladies, so don’t think no one noticed!
Why so Square? Overused saying, but seriously…Emma Stone is a breath of fresh air here. Time will tell if she can deviate from her sarcastic Easy A schtick, but for now it’s endearing.
Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Johnny Depp (Alice in Wonderland)
Johnny Depp (The Tourist)
Paul Giamatti (Barney's Version)
Jake Gyllenhaal (Love And Other Drugs)
Kevin Spacey (Casino Jack)
Square Winner: Jake Gyllenhaal.
Why so Square? Because Squares are still mad he didn't get a Golden Globe award for Brokeback Mountain!
Oh! And also? Jake Gyllenhaal never gave his extremely ill-informed opinions about rapists on camera. Ahem. (Public service announcement: there is no "type" of rapist. Rapists can come in all shapes and sizes. The "He couldn't be a rapist, he doesn't LOOK like a rapist" mentality is hurtful to victims and truly unacceptable to perpetuate in public...especially by an actor who has stated many times he has no business talking politics, etc. We Squares expected better from you, Mr. Depp. I am very ashamed you used to be my favorite actor in the world.)
Best Animated Feature Film
How To Train Your Dragon
Toy Story 3
Square Winner: Toy Story 3. Damn those toys for being so loveable!
Why so Square? Well, it’s a kids movie that makes adult Squares cry a little. Randy Newman and Tim Allen are involved. But mostly…Michael Keaton plays Ken, y’all!! All hail The Keaton!
Best Foreign Language Film
The Concert (France)
The Edge (Russia)
I Am Love (Io Sono L'amore) (Italy)
In A Better World (Denmark)
Square Winner: Biutiful, directed by the wonderful Alejandro Gonzalez
Why so Square? Squares don't sky away from dark, raw subject matter. Bring it, Gonzalez!!
Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role In A Motion Picture
Amy Adams (The Fighter)
Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech)
Mila Kunis (Black Swan)
Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)
Square Winner: Melissa Leo captures Mickey Ward's brazen, controlling mother perfectly, creating a great “Oh, I know her” character. You know she’s a killer actress when you realize her character’s guilt tripping you, the audience, into siding with her!
Why so Square? There are “sexier” choices in this category, but Squares have to give it up for the HBIC.
Best Performance By An Actor In A Supporting Role In A Motion Picture
Christian Bale (The Fighter)
Michael Douglas (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps)
Andrew Garfield (The Social Network)
Jeremy Renner (The Town)
Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech )
Square Winner: Dear Christian Bale, Not only do you give the performance of the YEAR in The Fighter, but it’s also very nice to see you smiling and enjoying yourself at award shows this season. Keep it up, mister!
Why so Square?
Best Director – Motion Picture
Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)
David Fincher (The Social Network)
Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
Christopher Nolan (Inception)
David O Russell (The Fighter)
Square Winner: Christopher Nolan, you old so-and-so. Well done, good sir! Pleae don’t stop challenging audiences by creating huge movies for the thinking (wo)man!
Why so Square? The Cult of Nolan has been building since Memento for good reason – his movies find the perfect balance between “sweeping epic” and “tight character drama.”
Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy (127 Hours)
Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg (The Kids Are All Right)
Christopher Nolan (Inception)
David Seidler (The King's Speech)
Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network)
Square Winner: Could any of the other nominees have written Inception as well as Nolan? No? Then I think we know who the winner is, don’t we? (Sorry, Sorkin. I still love The West Wing, if that makes you feel any better.)
Why so Square? Nolan wrote a script about a team of mind thieves, people. That’s some Terry Gilliamesque Squareness right there!
Best Original Score – Motion Picture
Alexandre Desplat (The King's Speech)
Danny Elfman (Alice In Wonderland)
Ar Rahman (127 Hours)
Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross (The Social Network)
Hans Zimmer (Inception)
Square Winner: Inception…BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRM.
Why so Square?
Best Original Song - Motion Picture
“BOUND TO YOU” — BURLESQUE Music by: Samuel Dixon; Lyrics by: Christina Aguilera, Sia Furler
“COMING HOME” — COUNTRY STRONG Music & Lyrics by: Bob DiPiero, Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges
“I SEE THE LIGHT” — TANGLED Music by: Alan Menken; Lyrics by: Glenn Slater
“THERE’S A PLACE FOR US” — CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER Music & Lyrics by: Carrie Underwood, David Hodges, Hillary Lindsey
“YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME” — BURLESQUE Music & Lyrics by: Diane Warren
Square Winner: None of these fools. Inception again! Don’t you know you can also successfully sing the theme from Inception?
Why so Square?
Congratulations, Square Winners! Even if you lose to inferior performers on Sunday night, you're still beloved by us Squares.
Have fun watching the events unfold Sunday night, everyone!
P.S. Just FYI, the GGs will be shown on that one network that was mean to Coco. You know, the Network-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named? Yep, that's the one. So, if you're already not interested in watching the Globes, then you have another reason for not watching it! You're welcome; we try to be friendly to Squares of all sorts here at SITNP.