Monday, February 2, 2009

Santa Fe, are you there?

Dear Christian Bale,

I have been defending your honor for quite some time. But this latest revelation (listen at your own peril) is next to impossible to defend. Dude, stop acting like a gigantic tool. You've made some awesome films (and are super hot in my eyes), but that doesn't give you the right to:

- embarrass your co-worker in front of the whole cast and crew
- shout out things like, "Ok, once again! I'm f***ing ready, let's go!" or "You're messing up my scene!" like you're the director
- threaten someone by not only "kicking their ass" but also threatening to break their stuff
- use hyperbolic, machismo bravado like, "I'm walking now, so he isn't walking! I'm f***ing walking now, so he can't f***ing walk!" or "You and me are f***ing professionally done!" or "You're an amateur!"
- being a diva and saying you're walking out unless the offender is fired

So, I'm not going to get all rageaholic back at you. Nor will I stoop to point out that your stepmom Gloria Steinem should kick your butt from here to next week. I honestly think my words would fall on deaf ears, since you obviously don't even realize the hypocrisy in screaming for 3 minutes about being unprofessional. Rather, your punishment should be a humble reminder of your past, via the wonders of YouTube. Because you, sir, really have no reason to be a douchebag diva.

[Please fast forward to minute 3:15 and behold the magnificence]

...and who can forget this classic?

Nice acting, buddy. You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.


(and assorted other pissed off fans right now)

UPDATE! I've been reading comments on different sites about Christian's little (gigantor?) meltdown and these are a few of my favorite responses...

"What I would give to see Ashton Kutcher try to Punk Bale. Upon the prank reveal, Bale would probably crush Ashton's head in with a sock full of pennies. And honestly..who wouldn't wanna see that? " -- from

"Umm, I think we've all been had. I'm 99% sure that's audio from a romantic comedy he shot last summer about a foul-mouthed, psychopathic porn actor who falls for his underage fluffer (Dakota Fanning). It's called I'll Skull-Fuck Who I Wanna Skull-Fuck, Fuckers! (P.S. I love you)" -- from

"I didn't realize Rahm Emmanuel was starring in a movie... " --

"I heard an interview with Bale a few years back on Fresh Air. He did the whole interview in an American accent, which I thought was really weird, as he'd always spoken in a British accent whenever I'd seen him interviewed before. At the end of the interview, Terry Gross basically said "er, what's with the accent, dude, I thought you were British." Bale said that he "chose" to speak in an American accent when doing Batman-related interviews so as to not "confuse" people. What a nutter. " -- commentor

"A friend of mine just said: 'Bale could kill a batch of kittens and still be cool in my book." I have to agree... " -- another Gawker reader

THIS JUST IN!!! Some people with a lot of time on their hands have already made amazing remixes using this audio. Not safe for work, obviously, so listen as soon as you hit your home computer:

Christian vs. Donuts
The Dance Remix
Christian vs. Bill O'Reilly
Christian's Just Not That Into You
Christian Bale yells at Peter Griffin