Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Presidents Can Be Hotties, Too!

In belated honor of Lincoln's birthday and Presidents' Day, I thought it'd be a good idea to take a good hard look at our former Presidents. You know, hindsight is 20/20, so it might be easy for us 21st century peeps to think they had it much easier in the past. But they didn't! Sure, right now we might have one of the most attractive Presidents since Franklin Delano Roosevelt and his polio-tilted smile (I'm not big into Kennedy. Sleeze-o.), but it doesn't mean everyone before him were slouches. Let's take a look at a look at America's ex-Commander-in-Chief and compare them to people who could have been their competition nowaways. In each of these pairs, which would be Commander-in-Chief of the collective panties of America?

ry Taylor vs. Zac Efron
Oh, which one shall I choose? Hi, it's Zefron all the way. Zachary Taylor looks booo-ring!

Ulysseys S. Grant vs. Grant Show
I'm going to call this one a tie, at least for me. Ulysseys hates slavery and Show was on Melrose Place. Not quite even, but whatever.

Andrew Jackson vs. Jackson Rathbone
Easy. Andrew Jackson is one of my most hated historical figures ever. He lead the Battle of New Orleans after the War of 1812 had been declared over! Annoying! Jbone, however, went to Interlochen, where I spent a lovely mini-break holiday in the summer of '04. Bonus! There was a Rathbone in the box with Lincoln when he was shot.

Gerald Ford vs. Ford Prefec
Sorry, Grand Rapids. I'm going to have to abandon my generally overpowering love of all Midwesterners and go with Ford Prefect. Look at him. ( By the way, is that not the most terrifying picture of Gerald Ford ever? It looks like the top of his head could just flip back and reveal some sort of reptilian innard.)

Franklin Pierce or Pierce Brosnan

Question: Did Franklin Pierce ever walk on a tropical patio wearing only belted jeans? Probably not. Pierce Brosnan is gross and Franklin Pierce has almost emo hair. The Prez wins.