Friday, April 17, 2009

Quote of the Day/Mystery of the Day

TGIF, you guys! Today's quote comes from one Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow. Quick bio on Gwyneth, for those who don't follow pop culture: she's an actress, her parents are a famous actress and a famous director, she married Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin and named one of their kids "Apple," and she also finds time to be an expert on cooking, fashion, and literature for her website. Please click on this link to go to her website, because I don't have enough hours in the day to go off about the pretentiousness therein: GOOP: Nourish Your Inner Aspect.

Anyhoo, Gwyneth tried her hand at writing a "mystery" item for her website, and I have selected it as the massive quote of the day:

"Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road. So, why does it feel so good to hear something bad about someone you don’t like? Or someone you DO like? Or someone you don’t KNOW? I once asked the editor of a tabloid newspaper why all of the stories about a famous British couple had a negative bent. He said that when the headline was positive, the paper didn’t sell. Why is that? What’s wrong with us? I asked the sages to shed a little light.

Here’s to washing our mouths out with soap…"

And Gwyneth's publicist has already issued this statement about her client's posting:

"No comment. She didn't write this to name names but to share a lesson she learned."

Hmmmmmmmm. Gwyneth is deigning to share her thoughts about frenemies with the world? And she thinks that we're too dumb to figure out who she's talking about?

So, on behalf of Gwyneth's "frenemy," I'd like to respond back to Ms. Paltrow.

"Dear Gwyneth,

First of all, really mature of you to bring this up in the media like this. Cool. Thanks a lot. Also...our feud was years ago, so please let that drop. I obviously am having career problems, so thanks for kicking me while I'm down.

Here's the deal: we were friends. We shared an apartment together. I was reading the Shakespeare in Love script, because I wanted the lead role. You knew this. And you just totally stole the role from me and won an Oscar with it! So, yeah, I was bitter. And, yeah, I stole some shit. But guess what? I was in Beetlejuice and Heathers, and you weren't, bitch! I WIN! XOXO, Wino

P.S. I think you were really good in Shallow Hal. NOT.

P.P.S. Really original for you to be with a musician. THAT'S MY THING!