Square Is The New Punk

Square Video of the Week (Year?)

2011-04-21T12:15:00.006-04:00

Beastie Boys - Make Some Noise - Free Music Videos - Top Songs

Obviously, right? Obviously this was going to be picked as your jam of the week.

The Top 10 Best Things About This Masterpiece of a Video

10. Frodo!! Where have you been?! Ah, being a rad DJ? Well, despite your hipsteryness, we nerds missed ya!

9. Frodo getting hit over the head for mackin' on Chloe Sevigny. Nice try, Mister Frodo.

8. ORLANDO BLOOM ALERT! If this is going to be a Rings reunion, I demand some Mortensen, y'all.

7. Danny McBride's general swagger

6. The blink-and-you-miss-it Dunst cameo. Just how I like my Dunst cameos.

5. The future Boys' car, 80s-movie style

4. Oops! Ya burnt, Dwight Schrute and Ann Perkins!

3. Oh yeah. The song is pretty cool, too. Sorry; I got distracted by the celebs.

2. Ted Danson?! Sure. Why NOT Ted Danson?

1. Will Arnett, channeling the one and only Gob Bluth. Come ON!

Square Quote of the Week: Feeding Your Soul

2011-03-25T10:52:00.007-04:00

Give. Remember always to give. That is the thing that will make you grow.
- Elizabeth Taylor

[images via Tumblr]

RIP, Nate Dogg

2011-03-16T14:54:00.005-04:00

This 90s music video is in honor of the recently departed Nate Dogg. Mr. Dogg, you were featured on so many awesome songs, but this one will always be on top.

Game Over, Internet: Perfect GIF Has Been Found!

2011-03-04T12:46:00.008-05:00

[via GIF Party]

Could you be
the most beautiful GIF in the world?
Plain to see
you're the reason why God made a...you get the picture.

I LOVE THIS GIF TO FILTH!!!!!!!

Square Music Alert: "Letter to Lil Wayne"

2011-03-03T12:19:00.002-05:00

BRAVO, Watoto From The Nile!!!!!!! This jam is thoughtful and inspiring...everything that Lil Wayne songs are not. Take some notes, Wheezy. THIS is how you make relevant rap with a message:

Oops, looks like they just schooled him.

Justify My Love: But Better 'Cause It's Effing Beth Ditto!

2011-02-22T15:22:00.004-05:00

Squares, here is your fierce new jam of the week:

Aaaaaand your follow-up jam:

Square Movie Alert

2011-02-17T11:55:00.006-05:00

Already a hit with all the Squares at Sundance, Submarine looks to be a mighty amazing film.

VC's Checklist of Things That Will Get Her To See This Movie
- Harold & Maude tone
- Sally Hawkins, Square Icon and Supremely Gifted Actress
- Teen characters who don't sing and aren't swoony for vampires
- Bitchin' bobbed haircuts
- This guy is the writer/director
- Alex Turner did the soundtrack? Arctic Monkey's frontman Alex Turner? That Alex Turner? I'm there.

A Readerly 2011: Dino-sauer Edition

2011-02-13T09:02:00.004-05:00

I've finished another book in 2011! Was it Annabel, the book I was talking about last blog post? No, for in the end it got toooo saaaaad. I cannot read sad books in the summer, nor can I read them while Boston is being pounded with snow storm after snow storm. So I ditched it three-quarters of the way through, to be picked up again when my heart is stronger.

Instead, the book I finished was Mr. Toppit, by Charles Elton, which was a coming-of-age tale that was a mix of the JK Rowling story and Oprah's story. Well, alright. I can do that. I was enjoyable enough. But can I request all the authors out there to stop relying on the old troubled-young-adults-who-turn-to-drugs-and-sex-to-ease-their pain trope. I get it, I know it happens, but it's just so easy. There are lots of troubled youths with daddy issues out there and while a lot of them turn to drugs and sex, a lot of them don't and their issues manifest themselves in other ways. All I'm saying is I'm tired of addiction being used as shorthand for sorrow in book. Thanks.

For my next book of 2011, I'm cheating a little. I've read this book before, in fact, many many times. In middle school, I think seventh grade specifically, I was mildly obsessed with this book, and carried it around in my backpack all the time, read it all the time, loved it to death to the point where the cover fell off. The book is, of course, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton. I went through a pretty intense Michael Crichton phase in middle school, and along with Jurassic Park, I read most of his books. My favorites were The Andromeda Strain, for its detailed description of a decontamination chamber, and A Case of Need, from which I developed a love for impotent radiologists. I bought A Case of Need from Honeycomb Books, the used bookstore by my house which no longer exists, and so sort of in honor, I went to the Brookline Booksmith Used Book Cellar and picked up a classic mass market paperback of JP. (Oooh, perhaps in honor of finishing this book, I'll head to J.P. Licks and grab some ice cream.)

I think I'm about 50 pages in so far, and my twenty-nine year old self is not disappointed in my twelve-year-old self's choice of reading materials. The most disturbing part so far has not been the serious maiming and killing of small children by dinosaurs, but rather the fact that Ellie Sattler is twenty-four.

Hall of Shame: Movie Posters

2011-02-07T15:05:00.017-05:00

Let us all agree these three movie (er, sorry...film) posters are both captivating and awful. I laughed when I saw them, and yet I'd rather shove Tabasco sauce in my eyes than sit through these films in their entirety.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN, Y'ALL?! WILL THE PRESIDENT DIE?!!

Ok, now, hold up. Stop right there. This is a comedy, yes? A comedy revolving around a very inappropriate marriage? But, lest we get the wrong idea, the tagline is quick to remind us that she's just doing it for "the money." Ah yes...the money?

1.) What is "the money?" Is "the money" really worth getting married to a child? Because if she needs the money that badly, she and her boyfriend can just go on a killing/stealing spree instead, amiright nerds?!
2.) Why is he making that face?! I am severely creeped out at how uncomfortable that poor little dude looks. JoGo, are you ok?!!!!

Dear "The Mechanic" Movie Poster,
Sorry. A violent orange phallus won't get me to see your movie.
Love,
VC

No one will argue that, indeed, someone does need to fix "the problems." (Perhaps "the problems" result from "the money?") But I'm going to need some specifics, please. It's about "the" mechanic, but it's starring two guys. So, I don't even know who this mechanic is or what kind of problems he's trying to fix. Car problems, I would assume.

WAIT. Maybe the plot is really about someone who is having a problem WITH a mechanic, and thus has to fix the problems created by that mechanic? Nailed it.

GIFSoup

For Your Consideration: Square Moments From the Golden Globes

2011-01-17T12:19:00.030-05:00

GIFSoup

So nice to see a bunch of Squares at the Golden Globes last night. While RoboBrangelina snuggled with each other and pretended to do normal human things like "smiling" (see above), the celebrity Squares in attendance kept the mood hilarious.

Best BFFs - Busy Phillips & Michelle Williams
[via Busy-Phillips.org]

Best BFFs Runner-Up: Jake Gyllenhaal & Jason Segal

Best Nerd Laugh - Natalie Portman

Best Crazy Face - Christian Bale, Drunk Jesus

Best Acceptance Speech By A Crazy Face - Christian Bale

Best Fashion - Helena Bonham Carter
[via Jason Merritt, Getty Images]

Most Adorably Awkward - The Reluctant-To-Go-Onstage Duo

Most Adorably Sleazy - RDJ

Best GIF Mutilation

Best Withering Stare - Michelle Pfeiffer, HBIC
[image via Jezebel]

Most Missed Guest - Brendan Fraser, for his 2010 Audience Member Performance

Classiest Square - Duh, you guys
[via InStyle]

Readerly 2011: Accomplished

2011-01-16T10:04:00.003-05:00

Just a quick note to let the world know that I've finished by second book of 2011. And the lucky winner was O Juliet. Spoiler alert: they die at the end, obvi, but they go to heaven and are together forever! Also, Romeo got a hair cut about two-thirds of the way through, so phew!

Next up: Annabel by Kathleen Winter. I read about this in the New York Times and two hours later I was at B&N buying it. I mean, a week ago if you had asked me what my ideal protagonist would be, I would have said, "A Canadian hermaphrodite." And here like a gift from Heaven is a book about just that. And there's a creepy shirtless boy on the cover, which makes it 100% perfect for some T reading.

Even NPR Says I'm A Square

2011-01-12T08:32:00.005-05:00

Oh, my beloved champagne-colored 2000 Buick Century. My first car. I loved that car. I loved its cassette player that was augmented by a ten-CD-changer in the trunk that was controlled by some little gadget in the front seat that fell beneath the pedals whenever I went over railroad tracks. I loved the smooth ride and the fact that you could fit 44 people in the back seat and 17 more in the trunk. Like, it was a really good car. I knew it wasn't cool, but it was free and I never had one problem with it.

Imagine my joy when Car Talk on NPR (a favorite radio show of me and 45-year-old men) talked about how Buicks were for squares. Exact words. Well, if loving a Buick is wrong, I don't want to be right.

By the way, happy snow day, everyone!

For Your Consideration: Golden Globes for Squares

2011-01-11T10:41:00.115-05:00

Squares!! Have you heard? Tonight is The Golden Globes! Obviously this means I'm going to have to catch repeat showings of the wonderful Downton Abbey on PBS, because the Globes this year is shaping up to be a fantastic show. Plenty of Square-friendly films have come out in recent months, and I've made it my business to get acquainted with many of them.

Black Swan, for example, appeals to Squares to may obsess over dance movies, be fond of Darren Aronofsky movies, or just like staring at Natalie Portman. Blue Valentine should appeal to those Squares who are sick of romance being glamorized in horrible rom-coms, or it may appeal to Squares who just like looking at Ryan Gosling. See where I'm going here? Let me break it down for you: if Ricky Gervais doesn't deliver the funny as official host (doubtful; he always kills it at award shows), then at least the audience will be FIIIIIIIIIINE.

How YOU doin', Inception cast?!

GIFSoup

And in cast any of you care about the "film" part of the Golden Globes, here is a list of who I'd pick as Golden Globes winners and why, if I ruled the Foreign Press. (Let's get serious, I should.)

TV:
Best Television Series - Drama

Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Dexter (Showtime)
The Good Wife (CBS)
Mad Men (AMC)
The Walking Dead (AMC)

Square Winner: Let's start by saying The Good Wife is surprising solid. Good story, cable-quality look, stellar acting, and full of kick-ass female characters. Boardwalk Empire, I've noticed, is an underground hit with a lot of you Squares. Mad Men was predictably good, but this season it meandered around a bit too much while characters were fitting into their new lives/new office setting. The Walking Dead is showing some great promise, and I hope the show doesn't tank next season due to the firing of their writing staff and all. So, what does that leave? Your fave and mine, Dexter.
Why so Square? Dexter keeps Squares on their toes...just when you think the show is getting stale, they'll throw a great season at you and blow your mind.

Best Performance By An Actress In A Television Series - Drama

Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)
Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)
Piper Perabo (Covert Affairs)
Katey Sagal (Sons of Anarchy
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)

Square Winner: Elisabeth Moss is divine, and certainly worthy. I wouldn't get up and threaten to shut off the tv if she wins or anything. But how great would it be to see Katey Sagal get recognized for her Queen of Badassery character? She convinced me she was a completely different entity from her Married with Children character after only one episode in Season 1...long before she threatened to kill a baby this season.
Why so Square? Squares like innovation, and I don't recall another biker Lady Macbeth character on television EVER, do you?

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Best Performance By An Actor In A Television Series - Drama

Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire)
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
Michael C. Hall (Dexter)
Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
Hugh Laurie (House)

Square Winner: Yes, yes. I know, The World. Bryan Cranston is great! Jon Hamm is so sexy! Hugh Laurie is really British and not an invalid! Steve Buscemi...is...Steve Buscemi, finally in a leading role on a major network "hit!" Yaaaaaaaay. Oh, did I say Yay? I meant snooze. The media has beaten these actors' roles into the ground already. Whoever wins is fine. So. Let's just say the Square winner is Steve Buscemi?
Why so Square? Because he plays a character called "Nucky" and was great in Desperado back in the day?

Best Television Series - Comedy or Musical

30 Rock (NBC)
The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
The Big C (Showtime)
Glee (FOX)
Modern Family (ABC)
Nurse Jackie (Showtime)

Square Winner: NO PARKS & RECREATION OR COMMUNITY?! YA DONE GOOFED, FOREIGN PRESS!!! We Squares are revolting and naming both Parks & Rec and Community as winners.
Why so Square? Oh, I dunno...excellent writing? Characters you actually care about? Ron Effing Swanson?!!

GIFSoup

Best Performance By An Actress In A Television Series - Comedy or Musical

Toni Collette (United States of Tara)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Laura Linney (The Big C)
Leah Michele (Glee)

Square Winner: Oh. I didn't realize it was considered "good performing" to constantly twist your face in agony for every single song you sing, be it a happy song or a sad song. How silly of me. Still...I think I can safely say that Tina Fey is the real winner here.
Why so Square? Liz Lemon is a poster child for Squaredom -- a loveable, hilarious Other who stays true to herself. And if that involves staying at home alone with a Snuggie and eating cheese? So be it!

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
Steve Carell (The Office)
Thomas Jane (Hung)
Matthew Morrison (Glee)
Jim Parson (The Big Bang Theory)

Square Winner: Alec Baldwin! I don't want to rag on the certainly award-worthy acting happening in Glee, the singing high school show, but Matthew Morrison's character is a shitshow. Bad teacher, bad husband, bad boyfriend, too clingy, too selfish, not hot in any way, mediocre dancer...am I leaving something out? If he were supposed to be playing Mediocre Teacher or The Villain, I would certainly support his nomination. But he's supposed to be The Popular Teacher and The Hero, so fuck that mess. Yes, Internet, I saw his abs. Big deal.
Why so Square? Dryness, with a heaping scoop of Zing! insults, attracts Square love like none other.

Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Carlos (Sundance Channel)
The Pacific (HBO)
Pillar of the Earth (Starz)
Temple Grandin (HBO)
You Don't Know Jack (HBO)

Square Winner: Temple Grandin.
Why so Square? Good on Starz for being nominated, but Temple Grandin for two big reasons. 1.) It was great to see Angela Chase doing something other than mooning around and thinking about Jordan Catalano. 2.) Temple Grandin didn't horribly slaughter the MidWestern accent. I'm looking at YOU, You Don't Know Jack!!!!

Best Performance By An Actress In A Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television

Hayley Atwell (Pillars of the Earth)
Claire Danes (Temple Grandin)
Judi Dench (Return to Cranford)
Romola Garai (Emma)
Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Client List)

Square Winner: Wow. I bet this nomination is the crowning achievement of Jennifer Love Hewitt's career, huh? I won't say another word about her, then. Enjoy your night, lady! But the winner is the old biddy from Return to Cranford. Sorry, DAME Old Biddy!
Why so Square? Everyone loves a crotchety lady who is willing to help her friend when her friend's cat eats expensive antique lace and poops it out.

Best Performance By An Actor In A Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Idris Elba (Luther)
Ian McShane (Pillars of the Earth)
Al Pacino (You Don't Know Jack)
Dennis Quaid (The Special Relationship)
Edgar Ramirez (Carlos)

Square Winner: Idris Elba, aka Stringer Bell, aka Mumbles, aka My Friend Erin's Crush 4 Lyyyyyyyyfe.
Why so Square? Erin would kill me if I didn't declare him the winner. Good thing he happens to be the best on the list. Suck it, Americans.

Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role In A Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television

Hope Davis (The Special Relationship)
Jane Lynch (Glee)
Kelly MacDonald (Boardwalk Empire)
Julia Stiles (Dexter)
Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)

Square Winner: Jane Lynch is freaking amazing, and she's a fellow Square for sure. Julia Stiles will continue to get a free pass simply because she ruled in the late 1990s. Sofia Vergara is funny, but compared with Ms. Davis and Ms. MacDonald, she still has a lot to prove. Thus, it’s a tie! Congratulations, Hope Davis and Kelly MacDonald! You’ve been in the shadows for far too long, but we Squares have appreciated all your interesting characters, and we’re pumped to see you finally get some recognition!
Why so Square? They disappear so easily into their roles, it’s hard to remember they’re acting fiercely. Well played, ladies.

Best Performance By An Actor In A Supporting Role In A Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television

Scott Cann (Hawaii Five-O)
Chris Colfer (Glee)
Chris Noth (The Good Wife)
Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family)
David Strathairn (Temple Grandin)

Square Winner: You know who’s great? Scott Cann. You know who gives me an unsettling feeling? Chris Noth. Know who makes me cry on a cheesy show about singing teens? Chris Colfer. David Strathairn is always…in everything? (Love you, Strathairn, but you do need a big showboating role sometime soon to keep things interesting. Just a suggestion; you’re certainly a good actor.) So, that leaves Mr. Eric Stonestreet as our winner!!
Why so Square? Like Caan, Stonestreet makes me want to hang with his character. Like Colfer, Stonestreet can tug at my heartstrings. Unlike Noth, Stonestreet can create a believeable complex character.

MOVIES:

1. Best Motion Picture – Drama

Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The King's Speech

Square Winner: It’s another tie!!!!! Congratulations, Black Swan and Inception; you all managed to find huge audiences despite non-“blockbuster” subject matter. The gorgeous art direction and the focus on intriguing characters doesn’t hurt, either.
Why so Square? Tight scripts, excellent acting, and bitchin’ soundtracks.

Best Performance By An Actress In A Motion Picture – Drama

Halle Berry (Frankie and Alice)
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)
Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone)
Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Square Winner: Natalie Portman, simply because I haven’t had the chance to see Winter’s Bone yet. When I do, I reserve the right to change my decision, because that film looks gooooood. So, congrats for now, Natalie Portman! Your descent into madness could’ve been the stuff of Melrose Place episodes, but your restraint during the first half of the movie made the last act a-freakin-mazaing.
Why so Square? Have you seen The Professional? Ok, then you know Natalie Portman’s been appealing to Squares for some time now.

Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture – Drama

Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)
Colin Firth (The King's Speech)
James Franco (127 Hours)
Ryan Gosling (Blue Valentine)
Mark Wahlberg (The Fighter)

Square Winner: It’s finally your time, Firth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great performances by all, but Firth’s work was a cut above. (No pun intended, Franco.)
Why so Square? Peep it:
And never forget:

GIFSoup

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

Alice in Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids Are All Right
Red
The Tourist

Square Winner: Bwahahahahahahahahaha! Nope. There are no winners in this category. (Note: I think The Kids Are All Right would've swept this category with Squares if -SPOILER- Julianne Moore's affair with Ruffalo had been explained properly. Is Moore's character bisexual or what? Please don't leave us thinking she just decided to switch teams, 'cause we all know that's horseshit.)

Best Performance By An Actress In A Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right)
Anne Hathaway (Love and Other Drugs)
Angelina Jolie (The Tourist)
Julianne Moore (The Kids Are All Right)
Emma Stone (Easy A )

Square Winner: Are you kidding?! Clearly, Emma Stone! The others are wonderful actresses, but they’re walking through these roles. That’s right, I’m calling them out. You phoned in your performances, ladies, so don’t think no one noticed!
Why so Square? Overused saying, but seriously…Emma Stone is a breath of fresh air here. Time will tell if she can deviate from her sarcastic Easy A schtick, but for now it’s endearing.

Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

Johnny Depp (Alice in Wonderland)
Johnny Depp (The Tourist)
Paul Giamatti (Barney's Version)
Jake Gyllenhaal (Love And Other Drugs)
Kevin Spacey (Casino Jack)

Square Winner: Jake Gyllenhaal.
Why so Square? Because Squares are still mad he didn't get a Golden Globe award for Brokeback Mountain!

Oh! And also? Jake Gyllenhaal never gave his extremely ill-informed opinions about rapists on camera. Ahem. (Public service announcement: there is no "type" of rapist. Rapists can come in all shapes and sizes. The "He couldn't be a rapist, he doesn't LOOK like a rapist" mentality is hurtful to victims and truly unacceptable to perpetuate in public...especially by an actor who has stated many times he has no business talking politics, etc. We Squares expected better from you, Mr. Depp. I am very ashamed you used to be my favorite actor in the world.)

Best Animated Feature Film

Despicable Me
How To Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Tangled
Toy Story 3

Square Winner: Toy Story 3. Damn those toys for being so loveable!
Why so Square? Well, it’s a kids movie that makes adult Squares cry a little. Randy Newman and Tim Allen are involved. But mostly…Michael Keaton plays Ken, y’all!! All hail The Keaton!

Best Foreign Language Film

Biutiful (Mexico/Spain)
The Concert (France)
The Edge (Russia)
I Am Love (Io Sono L'amore) (Italy)
In A Better World (Denmark)

Square Winner: Biutiful, directed by the wonderful Alejandro Gonzalez
Why so Square? Squares don't sky away from dark, raw subject matter. Bring it, Gonzalez!!

Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role In A Motion Picture

Amy Adams (The Fighter)
Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech)
Mila Kunis (Black Swan)
Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Square Winner: Melissa Leo captures Mickey Ward's brazen, controlling mother perfectly, creating a great “Oh, I know her” character. You know she’s a killer actress when you realize her character’s guilt tripping you, the audience, into siding with her!
Why so Square? There are “sexier” choices in this category, but Squares have to give it up for the HBIC.

Best Performance By An Actor In A Supporting Role In A Motion Picture

Christian Bale (The Fighter)
Michael Douglas (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps)
Andrew Garfield (The Social Network)
Jeremy Renner (The Town)
Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech )

Square Winner: Dear Christian Bale, Not only do you give the performance of the YEAR in The Fighter, but it’s also very nice to see you smiling and enjoying yourself at award shows this season. Keep it up, mister!
Why so Square?

Best Director – Motion Picture

Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)
David Fincher (The Social Network)
Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
Christopher Nolan (Inception)
David O Russell (The Fighter)

Square Winner: Christopher Nolan, you old so-and-so. Well done, good sir! Pleae don’t stop challenging audiences by creating huge movies for the thinking (wo)man!
Why so Square? The Cult of Nolan has been building since Memento for good reason – his movies find the perfect balance between “sweeping epic” and “tight character drama.”

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture

Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy (127 Hours)
Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg (The Kids Are All Right)
Christopher Nolan (Inception)
David Seidler (The King's Speech)
Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network)

Square Winner: Could any of the other nominees have written Inception as well as Nolan? No? Then I think we know who the winner is, don’t we? (Sorry, Sorkin. I still love The West Wing, if that makes you feel any better.)
Why so Square? Nolan wrote a script about a team of mind thieves, people. That’s some Terry Gilliamesque Squareness right there!

Best Original Score – Motion Picture

Alexandre Desplat (The King's Speech)
Danny Elfman (Alice In Wonderland)
Ar Rahman (127 Hours)
Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross (The Social Network)
Hans Zimmer (Inception)

Square Winner: Inception…BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRM.
Why so Square?

Best Original Song - Motion Picture

“BOUND TO YOU” — BURLESQUE Music by: Samuel Dixon; Lyrics by: Christina Aguilera, Sia Furler
“COMING HOME” — COUNTRY STRONG Music & Lyrics by: Bob DiPiero, Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges
“I SEE THE LIGHT” — TANGLED Music by: Alan Menken; Lyrics by: Glenn Slater
“THERE’S A PLACE FOR US” — CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER Music & Lyrics by: Carrie Underwood, David Hodges, Hillary Lindsey
“YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME” — BURLESQUE Music & Lyrics by: Diane Warren

Square Winner: None of these fools. Inception again! Don’t you know you can also successfully sing the theme from Inception?
Why so Square?

Congratulations, Square Winners! Even if you lose to inferior performers on Sunday night, you're still beloved by us Squares.

Have fun watching the events unfold Sunday night, everyone!

P.S. Just FYI, the GGs will be shown on that one network that was mean to Coco. You know, the Network-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named? Yep, that's the one. So, if you're already not interested in watching the Globes, then you have another reason for not watching it! You're welcome; we try to be friendly to Squares of all sorts here at SITNP.

Readerly 2011: A Bump (or two) in the Road

2011-01-11T09:30:00.007-05:00

I am the worst at finishing books. How many times have I started Moby Dick or The Jungle? Even though those were greats books and I loved them while I was reading them, something up often pops up and takes away my attention for a couple of days and then some other book shimmies its way into my eyeline and then suddenly I've forgotten what Ishmael was doing and I have homework to catch up on and I'll get back to it when I have time, which is 2017. (Come to think of it, maybe this is why I have such a hard time finishing my own writing. I have limited experience with the endings of books. Man!) Anyway, I was hoping this Readerly 2011 would help in that front, but so far it has not.

The Kite Runner is sad, you guys. I just can't handle all the sadness in the winter, and while I've got a couple weeks to kill until class starts, I don't want to be all bummed out during my days of sweet freedom. Sigh. So that's being put aside.

Here's what I've picked up. Kate: Kate Middleton: Princess in Waiting . Um, why am I so obsessed with William & Kate's wedding? I'm even thinking of taking April 29th off work so I can watch it live! What is my deal? I'm not British or even remotely British. I'm kind of Irish, but the Irish & British have notoriously bad blood, so that can't be it. And I was never one of those girls who wanted to play princesses. I would have much preferred playing Presidential Daughter on the Titanic. Nonetheless, I picked up this paperback bio of the possible future queen of England, and am devouring it. Right now, it's just a basic chronology of the different branches of Kate's family from Victoria's time until now, so I love it. So much coal mining, I tell ya! And they keep on bringing up Durham. You know how I love Durham!
So because reading two books is not enough for me, I've also picked up third. I'm going through a really big Romeo & Juliet phase at the moment. Honestly, I've been going through this phase for the past two years, and I'm just now admitting to it. It's very much like the princess thing. In high school, I thought R&J was pure crap, and now I still think that the characters are pretty silly, but for some reason I love the story! Seriously, if someone could just explain to me what it is in my psyche that makes me love R&J, I could figure out my whole life. Although, probably it's because of this:
Oooh, I love you 1968 Romeo! Best Romeo ever! He's so whiny and stupid and rolling around on the floor crying! "Come on, boy! Get yourself together! Stop those tears from rolling down your beautiful face!" That's literally what I yell at the screen during most of the movie. It's just oh so good. If you haven't seen it since sophomore year of high school when your entire all-girls class was mooning over Leo D, I highly suggest you check out the 1968 version again. It can be a little hard to get a hold of, maybe they're rereleasing it, I don't know, but watch it on Netflix or something. Come on.

Anyway, in my R&J obsession, I bought O Juliet, by Robin Maxwell. I stumbled upon it by accident while working at B&N and then couldn't get it out of my head, just like Romeo with Juliet, and then I impulsively married it--I meant bought it. So far there's been one mention of Juliet's bosom actually, literally "heaving", but many many mentions of Juliet's bosom existing, as well as a lot of quoting of Dante. Whatever. It's amazing, so cheesy and enjoyable. And I don't usually say this, seeing as how I am a prude, but I just cannot wait until these two crazy kids do it. It's going to be so good.

Class starts two weeks from today, so wish me luck getting all the reading possible in. I have a lot to tackle.

Readerly 2011: Book One Done

2011-01-07T07:44:00.003-05:00

I finished up Brat Farrar on the T yesterday morning, and I have mixed feelings about it. I saw the solution coming from miles away, and so the entire time I was reading I was assuming there would be some sort of twist. Well, I supposed at the end there sort of was, and everything turned out lovely and everyone was happy, but it wasn't enough of a twist for me. However, I really enjoyed reading the book itself. As always the writing was great, and I didn't want to skip any part of it, not even the gobs of pages about horses. Oh man, there was so much about horses. Honestly. So I suppose that in the end I recommend the book, but not enthusiastically. I'd go for The Franchise Affair instead.

Next up and already started is The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I know, I know! I'm way behind the times. Anyway, I just started this yesterday, and I'm a decent bit in already, I'd say, but this book is decidedly longer and not such a light read, so it might be a bit until I get it done. Nonethless, book #2 of 2011 is begun!

Anti-Square Quote of the Week

2011-01-05T15:31:00.016-05:00

"I’m not sure that young women are as interested in reading about superheroes. The fundamental dynamic of the superhero story has historically been more appealing to boys than to girls. There are any number of very successful superhero comics over the years that have had a better gender balance than others, but the genre as a whole has been a more male genre."

- Paul Levitz, President of DC Comics [via The Comics Journal]

Oh really?!

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Paul Levitz, really?! I constantly defend DC Comics against the "sudsy" Marvel, and now you go and say this? Have ya done a lot of research with various female comic readers nowadays, Mr. Levitz? And yet, you're going to make this huge judgment call? Really?!

There has already been a great poll about this topic, so I decided to check in with my female friends about it, too. 100% of my friends with vaginas are interested in reading about superheroes. The only female friend of mine who doesn't actually read comic books frequently...is in the process of co-authoring an epic saga about superheroes.

And then, Paul Levitz, you go on to say this?

"I don’t think the love for the character necessarily means that they love the comic expression of them. Or maybe they do and with the right writer at the right moment, that can happen and have a larger audience. Certainly any version of that has been tried by the company at some point or another in time. You’ve got the whole period around 1972 when Dorothy Woolfolk comes back into the company and she’s editing both the romance comics and the girl superheroes. She’s given Wonder Woman, Lois Lane, and Supergirl on the theory that we can sell more of those to girls with a woman driving the bus. It’s not clear that it particularly worked, and the company abandoned the experiment fairly quickly."

REALLY?! You're really going to cite something from the 1970s as being relevant to today's marketplace? And you're going to slight Dorothy Woolfolk in the process? Dorothy Wolfolk, who INTRODUCED KRYPTONITE into the Superman comics?! Wow. And you're going to act confused as to why women in the 1970s didn't want to read about Wonder Woman?! As this bad-ass writer points out, perhaps the lack in sales had more to do with the fact Wonder Woman was power-less and violently tortured on covers. Really.

Paul Levitz, please think carefully before you speak next time. Better than that -- try to put some serious, thoughtful time into how to please the current female comic readers out there instead of making sweeping generalities and alienating potential future buyers.

Keep this kind of talk up, and I'll give all my business to Dark Horse. Really.

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A Readerly 2011 is Promised

2011-01-02T14:07:00.006-05:00

Last year a few of us were talking about how many books we'd read in 2010, and I found I couldn't come up with a very solid number. Certainly over ten, right? Do books I didn't finish count? What about my one hundreth reading of Kavalier & Klay? In an attempt to feel more confident about my bookishness as we stare down the end of the world in 2012, I'm going to document every new book I start in 2011. Cross your fingers I stick with it.

Despite the facts that I have too many books here in Boston (so many that there is a pile of 15 or so that I have to move from my desk chair onto my bed in the morning and the reverse at night) and that I bought 2 books over vacation, I went out yesterday and bought another book! Geez. Dang you, used bookstore I love. Anyway, since it was a used book it was only $3, and I had four billz on me, and so it was obvious.

So now I am proud to present the first book of 2011:

Brat Farrar by Josephine Tey

I didn't say they had to be scholarly books or prize-winning literature, okay? Anyway, this summer my sister got me hooked on Josephine Tey. The Franchise Affair was fabulous and Miss Pym Disposes kept me guessing until the end. Well, almost the end until they revealed it all. Anyway, she's great, and the book is short and a mass market size, which is perfect for me lugging around on the T. It's also an old edition, the 1971 Berkley Medallion edition, and it doesn't have a barcode on it, which is something I generally look for in books. Seriously. I once spent a very sad summer reading a really sad Joyce Carol Oates because I found a copy without a barcode. Old books also smell cool.

According to the blurb on the barcodeless back, this Brat Farrar kid looks like the supposedly dead heir to a fortune, and so is persuaded to pose as the guy and claim the inheritance. I'm a little under a quarter of the way through, and Brat's about to be introduced to the family, and one of them isn't buying it. Why not? Perhaps because he murdered the dead heir? WHO KNOWS! Well, I will in a couple of days.

Also, they keep talking about how fair and beautiful this guy is, and since it's old-timey (the 40s), I'm picturing this one:

Hells yeah, Jude Law in Wilde! Stop being so prissy, Jude Law! But seriously, has the dude ever been better looking than is this film? (Yes, in Alfie.)

I'll keep you updated on my reading progress.

Square Pic of the Day: Welcome to My Nightmare

2010-12-14T11:42:00.013-05:00

[Image via 85 ANTI]

ANSWER: No, I have not. Because if I did see this man, my pants would be full o' poop.

If I merely saw this poster on the street, I would straight-up move to another city. No hesitation. I'd be gone. People, I'm not lying. BOB from Twin Peaks is still #1 on my personal Scariest Fictional Characters list (above Pennywise, even!). Yes, I'm aware that he's fictional. Yes, I'm a grown-ass woman. My fear is irrational; deal with it.

Congratulations to the Square that made this awesome poster! I can appreciate your level of Twin Peaks fandom, Mystery Artist, but I wish you had chosen a different subject for your poster. You know, one that doesn't terrify the poop outta me.

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My World: It Be Rocked

2010-12-13T19:15:00.003-05:00

I've come out of my laziness-imposed blogging retirement to announce that Zac and Vanessa are OVER. This is almost as bad, but not quite as bad, as when Jude and Sadie broke up. Only when Jude and Sadie broke up, I think I was in Europe and probably drunk. Now, when Zac and Vanessa break up, I'm in my apartment writing a grant. Not cool, universe.

And even more cruelly, "Bet on It" from HSM2 was the first song that my iPod shuffled up to me upon getting on the train this evening. And I've been falling asleep to HSM2 for the past couple of days. CRUEL FATE!

Now who's going to be the music in Zef?

By the by, I'm so glad we've got a label for Zefbomb. Way to hand it to myself, 2008 self!

I'm back in the game!!

SquareMix: Getting Over It

2010-11-17T11:18:00.008-05:00

I sent a little collection of songs to a friend recently who was in need of some cathartic jams. She loved the tunes, I had fun sifting through all my favorites, and voila! It's now a regular feature on the ol' blog!

This month's SquareMix theme is "Getting Over It," for all of you trying to break free of toxic relationships. Now rock out.

Christina Aguilera - "Fighter"

Jack Off Jill - "Hypocrite"

Marianne Faithfull - "Why D'ya Do It?"

Henry Rollins - "Liar"

Jill Scott - "Hate On Me"

Loretta Lynn - "Everybody's Somebody's Fool"

Sara Bareilles - "King of Anything"

The Gossip - "Listen Up"

Cee-Lo Green - "F*ck You"

Quote of the Week: WTF, Jessica Alba?

2010-11-05T11:46:00.002-04:00

“Good actors, never use the script unless it’s amazing writing. All the good actors I’ve worked with, they all say whatever they want to say.” - Jessica Alba, in Elle

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For Your Consideration: Batman 3

2010-10-26T11:00:00.094-04:00

Dear Mr. Christopher Nolan,

I hope this letter finds you well and not too stressed. As I've been surfing around the internet (certainly not at work, nope), I've seen plenty of articles insinuating that you're getting ready to tackle the third part of your Batman trilogy. I'm trying to contain my excitement, but it's not really going so well. Every time I hear a rumor being spread around both the trashy and legit sites online (Eddie Murphy as The Riddler! Cher as Catwoman!), the nerd inside me gets a little anxious.

I absolutely love what you've done with the Batman series so far, so I trust that whatever you do for the next movie will be Bat-awesome. I can't believe how excited I am for even the viral marketing campaign to begin again. Sheesh. But as long as people are going to be tossing around casting rumors, I'd like to throw some names around, too, damn it! I grew up watching Batman: The Animated Series, read a ton of Bat-verse graphic novels, and spent part of this year's Comic-Con going through tubs of old DC Comics so I could find a Catwoman comic series. So, trust me when I tell you I'm a Batman fan to the core.

Just because the brutal and gorgeous Tom Hardy has allegedly been linked to a lead role in the upcoming Batman 3 movie doesn't mean the villains for the film are all set. Whoever Mr. Hardy plays (even new Hardy fans can see the man has the chops to pull off Croc, The Penguin, Hush, or Black Mask), word on the street is that casting is still ongoing for other leads in your film. I read a report just this morning that you, Mr. Nolan, were looking at potential lead actresses.

Seeing as how you have already stated in the press that there will be no Riddler, no Mr. Freeze (bravo) and you're not going to replace Ledger as The Joker (quadruple infinity bravo), I'm thinking you also might not be looking to cast Harley Quinn. If she's in your movie, though (who knows -- she could be an obsessed fan, an undercover henchwoman working as a psychologist, the list goes on), I hope you find the right actress who embodies Harley's moxy.

One villain's name get thrown around a lot on the interwebs, so let me humbly submit my own casting selections for the most-discussed supervillain.

Selina Kyle - "Catwoman"

Mr. Nolan, I know you like to work with familiar (and very talented) faces. Perhaps that's why it seems like Marion Cotillard is everyone's first choice to play Selina Kyle? Uh, Ms. Cotillard is amazing and beautiful...but can I be honest with you, Mr. Nolan? I think she would be pitch-perfect as conflicted, tough Talia al Ghul, if you're looking for a Talia.

Selina Kyle is a tough situation, Mr. Nolan. Michelle Pfeiffer played the hell out of her in Batman Returns, and no other actress can truly live up to that, even if the greatest actress around (whom I will mention below) played Catwoman. Essentially, in whatever direction you could go with the Kyle character, you can't beat Pfeiffer. You can only strive to be on the same level of awesome as she. That said...

1. Why haven't I heard any mention of Cate Blanchett as Selina?! Is there some kind of conspiracy I don't know about, whereupon people are trying to sabotage this film through lack of Blanchett mentioning?! Well, let me fix that right now.

CATE BLANCHETT, people!

Obviously, she's a tremendous actress and the best choice for Catwoman. Unlike Charlize Theron and Rachel Weisz, Cate Blanchett is popular with lady moviegoers as well as men. Catwoman needs to have sass and she can't be a pushover; she has to be the type of character that exudes confidence while throwing out crackling one-liners. She has to hold her own against Batman, and whereas younger actresses might get lost in Bale's shadow, Cate will clearly go toe-to-toe with him.

(A brief digression, Mr. Nolan...would you please talk to Mr. Bale about his, um, you know...his...Batman voice? Don't get me wrong -- it should be growly! I totally agree. But maybe if he could, I don't know, take it down a notch? Even better, could you have Catwoman tell him to take it down a notch?! One sure way to stop all the haters -- please tell me y'all are aware of this -- is to just address it slyly in the movie and move on.)

Aaaaaanyhoo. I don't care how you slice the character...hold on. Yes, I do care. On behalf of females everywhere, Mr. Nolan, DO NOT MAKE SELINA KYLE A PROSTITUTE. Catwoman-as-thieving-socialite is tons of fun, but if you're looking to make Selina "grittier," please avoid all the sexist comic book trappings of her character. What I'm saying is, if you feel you must make her a prostitute, then for heaven's sake let the woman pull herself up. The last thing we female comic fans (we exist, I promise) want to see is another lady who needs a man to save her. Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne should be equals.

Also, Cate Blanchett even looks like a cat.

2. If Cate Blanchett has other film obligations, I will shed a single, silent tear. And then I'll suggest Kate Winslet, who can definitely also pull off the head-bitch-in-charge vibe while retaining likability. And if Kate's also busy, you might want to knock on Robin Wright Penn's door.

3. The young Zoe Saldana could also hold her own against Bale and Hardy. Observe her fierceness while just walking down the street. And now observe her fierceness while strolling down the red carpet:

You've come a long way from Center Stage, madame. Zoe's been kicking ass in big movies, but her only smash hit to date has been Avatar. Your script, Mr. Nolan, I'm sure would give Saldana the opportunity to sink her teeth into a complex character.

Hey, while we're on the subject of women and your films, can you not kill a woman in Batman 3? I realize this is a great catlyst for a character's emotions; losing someone you love makes you feel like you lost a part of yourself. But it gets a teensy weensy frustrating when, as a woman, I see women used as props to justify male character's emotions. Repeatedly.

You're my favorite director, so it feels extra uncomfortable to see the same old gender problems pop up so obviously in your films. I'm not asking for an epic feminist superhero tale (I'll write that myself, thank you) -- I realize this is Batman. But I'm asking for you to keep pushing yourself to be careful with your female characters. I would like to be able to tell my friends that your movies pass the Bechdel Test:

1. Have at least two women in your movie
2. Have them talk to each other
3. Have them talk to each other about something other than a man

I appreciate the steps you're taking to put capable females onscreen. And I remember telling everyone how great it was when I read an interview with Maggie Gyllenhaal where she talked about how you wanted to make sure you created the best female lead possible. Now, all you have to do is just stop killing them off (women-in-refrigerators style) and have them talk to each other, and you're all set.

If, for some reason, there isn't a kick-ass woman character in your next film...might I suggest you remake the following short and put it at the end of the credits? As a gift to the fans? It's fun, it leaves the series on a hopeful note for Bruce Wayne's character, and it's just plain ol' satisfying.

See ya in theatres, Mr. N!

-- VC

The Truth

2010-04-06T15:12:00.004-04:00

[via Cracked.com]

It's the Weekend. Party Party Party.

2010-03-12T17:17:00.006-05:00

It's Friday night. What are you going to do? Go out? Get drunk? Go to an orgy? Do some coke? Come to consciousness mid-orgy? Drunk dial your ex-boyfriend and sob out that you still love him only to realize it was the toddler he adopted with his boyfriend who answered the phone. Real cool, buddy, real cool.

Why don't you do like the cool kids (meaning Squares) do and stay home on Friday night? Weekend nights as a teen usually involved me in my bedroom watching British comedies and Red Green on PBS while making family trees for fictional characters. Try it out. It's good times.

Yeah, you saw that right. Red Green is Canadian. Canada. The awesomest place SOUTH of Detroit (it's a fact).

Hey, notice that guy at the end? He was wearing glasses, but he wasn't Dave Foley or Kevin Macdonald? That's Scott Thompson. Have you ever wondered what his genealogical background is? Well, I have and so has Scott and now he knows thanks to an amazing show called Who Do You Think You Are. I saw it while I was in Detroit over Christmas on the CBC. Basically, it picked out some random Canadian celebrities, like Scott Thompson, Randy Bachman, and the opera singer who sang at the Vancouver Opening Ceremonies. It was a great show, and i watched it every day that I was home.

And now there's an American version! It's on NBC, which is fine, and it's an hour long which is amazing. Last week was Sarah Jessica Parker, who I have never really had a problem with. Now I love her. She's awesome and genuine and enthusiastic on the show. She found that that she has ancestors who died in California during the Gold Rush, and were accused of being a witch! It's just amazing! The best part is how SJP went to the New England Historic Genealogical Society in Boston, and on Monday I am meeting with the director of development there! I am freaking out!

Tonight's celebrity is Emmet Smith, which I guess is okay. I mean, I didn't know who Measha was when I started watching her episode and now I love her. Watch this show, Squares. It's almost better than History Detectives. If you watch it, there could be a second season, and here are the celebs I want to see profiled.

The Bros
I mean, obvi. Joe would be so hella into it, I can't even imagine. Probably he would ask a zillion questions and even the smallest bit of information would solicit a response like this:

Calm down, Joe! Dude just loves information. And his family. Khabi kushi, kahbie gham. Also, we'd find out where in the world those eyebrows originate. Really, they're unearthly!

JR Celski
We all know his mother is from the Philippines. But the guy's really proud of his heritage, so any chance for him to show off his tattoo is a chance we should embrace as a nation.

Amy Sedaris
Her brother has written about their crazy Greek background and their whole family. I want a chance to actually see Tiffany and their father. Plus, I think she would make everyone who helped her out cupcakes or cheese balls, and genealogists never get play like that.

Square Mash-Up?

2010-03-12T10:32:00.013-05:00

What could possibly get Squares that excited for a movie that lamely titled? Well, it turns out Leo D and Shah Rukh Kahn might be co-stars of this film. I know...it's almost too much to bear.

[Image via koimoi]
There is a possibility that Squares around the world will pee their pants from awesomeness in the upcoming movie Xtrme City.

"Xtrme City is an action thriller set in the brutal, impenetrable, criminal orbit of Mumbai, India. Curtis Hawkley, a former U.S. Ranger, is obliged to return to Mumbai when his father-in-law's youngest daughter is kidnapped by a powerful underworld Don. In order to save the girl he must first find his old friend Raj Rangan, an Indian Special Forces Commando who became a crime world enforcer. After reuniting and saving the girl, the two men are drawn deeper into the "bhai" underworld of Mumbai than they expected. Sense of duty compels them to take on a system of corruption, revenge, and familial obligations."

Quote of the Week: This is How We Do It

2010-03-01T15:39:00.008-05:00

That wonderful anchorman we adore so much, Brian Williams, gave Canada a wonderful, post-Olympics thank-you note. It would be remiss of me not to post it here, since it reflects both the best of Vancouver's Olympics and Williams' Square-ness. (That's a good thing, Mr. Williams, in case you're wondering...)

"Thank you, Canada:

For being such good hosts.

For your unfailing courtesy.

For your (mostly) beautiful weather.

For scheduling no more than 60 percent of your float plane departures at the exact moment when I was trying to say something on television.

For not seeming to mind the occasional (or constant) good-natured mimicry of your accents.

For your unique TV commercials -- for companies like Tim Hortons -- which made us laugh and cry.

For securing this massive event without choking security, and without publicly displaying a single automatic weapon.

For having the best garment design and logo-wear of the games -- you've made wearing your name a cool thing to do.

For the sportsmanship we saw most of your athletes display.

For not honking your horns. I didn't hear one car horn in 15 days -- which also means none of my fellow New Yorkers rented cars while visiting.

For making us aware of how many of you have been watching NBC all these years.

For having the good taste to have an anchorman named Brian Williams on your CTV network, who turns out to be such a nice guy.

For the body scans at the airport which make pat-downs and cavity searches unnecessary.

For designing those really cool LED Olympic rings in the harbor, which turned to gold when your athletes won one.

For always saying nice things about the United States...when you know we're listening.

For sharing Joannie Rochette with us.

For reminding some of us we used to be a more civil society.

Mostly, for welcoming the world with such ease and making lasting friends with all of us."

Fear Not, Ye Squares

2010-02-17T13:44:00.017-05:00

VC & NT are taking a tiny, mandatory hiatus from blogging right now. Why "mandatory?" Because it is CLEARLY MANDATORY for all Squares to be in Olympics euphoria for the next two weeks!!!!! How are people supposed to care about anything other than the Olympics right now?! VC even missed a new episode of LOST in order to watch Johnny Weir skate his fierce heart out, ok?! So get on board and check out the full Olympics schedule here.

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Square Quote of the Week

2010-01-22T14:36:00.006-05:00

"TEAM CONAN!!!!!"

I hope all of you Squares are preparing to watch Conan O'Brien's last night of hosting The Tonight Show this evening. We've seen Coco (or "Conando," if you prefer) bring back The Masturbating Bear, cost NBC 1.5 million with a car and a song, and put both himself and the show on Craigslist. What will happen tonight?!

G.O. & CoCo

2010-01-12T08:09:00.014-05:00

It's common knowledge that Gary Oldman is the best actor of all time (well, according to this particular blogger), and he further proved this on Conan O'Brien's show last night. Didn't see the interview? Don't fret, m'child. VC is here for you.

Behold! Not only does Gary Oldman get to teach us all a nifty trick about how to upset people by just making a certain scary face, but he lets Conan work out some of his anger at NBC for moving Jay Leno into his time slot.

Brilliant. Love those dudes. Conan is clearly in awe of Gary, and Gary seems to genuinely like Coco. And I'm in awe of both of them. It's an interview match made in Square heaven.

P.S.
Shame on you, NBC. Everyone knows what you did. EVERYONE!!!!!!!

2010 Music for Squares: Oldies Muppets & Metal Charlemagne

2010-01-09T12:59:00.015-05:00

2010 is off to a wonderfully bizarro start for Squares of all sorts.

On one hand, you've got the latest Muppets viral vid hitting the Internetz this week.

I particularly love this video because it's improvised. IMPROVISED! As if I couldn't love those puppeteers any more. (Also...Jimmy Fallon's show has totally grown on me, and I'm scared to say I might like that Jimmy Fallon a LOT. Don't judge me!!)

On the other hand, you've got the Awesomest Story of 2010 Thus Far -- Christopher Lee is making a metal concept album about King Charlemagne.

I heart this so hard, since it appeals to both my over-the-top, metal-loving sensibilities and my love for over-the-top Les Miserables -ish songs.

And I also heart Christopher Lee, because he just gave me a reason to post this masterpiece:

Come ON! You know that song is GOOD.

Bravo, 2010. Keep the weirdo music comin'.

Square Quote of the Week

2010-01-09T12:41:00.006-05:00

"So I think I’ll be hard [as a judge], but if he’s rude, I’m going to let him know he’s rude." - Ellen DeGeneres, about Simon "Making Awkward Gay Jokes With Ryan Seacret is Amusing" Cowell [interview here]

Go Ellen! Go Ellen! Go Ellen!

(Awful Nostalgic Side Note: Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki!
)

The Square Awards: Best of the '00s WINNERS!

2009-12-30T11:19:00.071-05:00

For outstanding (and craptastic) achievement in the '00s, we Squares would like to present a weird, outsidery Square Award to...

...drumroll please...

______________________________________________________

The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Music Video goes to "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance!

“Three words: Colleen Atwood costumes.” – Vampire Christmas

“It features, in a starring role, the king of '00 music videos, Lukas Haas.” – Ninja Thanksgiving

“Face it, this should have won a Mtv Video Music Award.” – VC

“It’s made by Squares and it’s for Squares! It’s FUBU!” – NT

(Sidenote: We Squares would like to commend close Best Music Video runner-up "Trapped in the Closet," which transcends any sort of categorization.)

The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic Music Video goes to..."A Milli” by Lil’ Wayne

“What the f**k is he talking about?!” – NT

“Oh, it’s so edgy to just walk around like that and act like an idiot!” – VC

“I don’t want to look at his face for three minutes. And I don’t want to hear his robot voice. Robots are scary.” – NT

“I can’t believe he fronts on 'shy chicks.' What’s his problem with shy chicks?! He is now my enemy.” – VC

______________________________________________________

The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Movie goes to Brokeback Mountain!

“It’s got to be Brokeback, right? It was an emotional roller coaster.” – NT

“True. All the franchise movies really made me split their votes. I can’t pick one Harry Potter movie above all the rest. And no way are you making me choose just one out of all those Lord of the Rings movies. Nuh-uh. Or The Dark Knight versus Batman Begins?! Don't even get me started. My head would explode trying to pick a favorite. But everything -- the art direction, the acting, the tear-jerky music -- was perfect in Brokeback, despite its non-blockbuster status and lack of hobbits.” – VC

“Here’s the thing that makes it extra-amazing: It came out in a decade when Jude Law had one million movies out, and I still picked Brokeback Mountain.” – NT

“It’s just so quotable! Is that wrong?” – VC

The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic Movie goes to Across the Universe!

“ARGH! This is so hard to decide!! That Catwoman movie shat all over Michelle Pfeiffer’s awesomeness.” – VC

“But Across the Universe is the worst. The Worst. I can’t even remember all the other nominees, because it was so bad!” – NT

“You’re right. It was so pointless. Remember the time they named characters after Beatles songs just so they can have a reason to sing songs like 'Hey Jude' and 'Dear Prudence?' The plot was thrown together, and not in a fun Rocky Horror way either. More like it was thrown together in a condescending way. ‘Oh look! Artsy kids today don’t care if there’s no plot or character development as long as we just put some bright colors here and there!’” - VC

“I don’t understand why that one character didn’t just run away to avoid the war. Why did he join the army if he was such a hippie? He could’ve gone to Canada. Or broken his leg. Bullshit. He is the shittiest hippie I’ve ever seen in my life.” - NT

“You know it’s a bad movie when I think a character’s being played by Robin Williams and it turns out to be Bono.” - VC

______________________________________________________

The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved TV Show goes to Rome!

"Ahhhhhhh!!!! Rome!!!!!!!!!!" - VC

"Atia of the Julii, I call for Justice!" - NT

"Now, other tv shows rocked, but I have never in all my Square years seen a show as complete and totally wonderful as Rome. The finale was the best series finale in all of television. That's just the way it is. Deal with it." - VC

"Don't forget how badass the opening credits were, too! Remember how Mark Antony went batshit crazy in Egypt, started wearing eyeliner, and then he and Cleopatra hunted her servants like animals?" - NT

"Was there anything not to like about Rome?! People, go and Netflix Rome right now and you won't be sorry. Just don't buy it yet, because it still costs a billion dollars. It's THAT good!" - VC

The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic TV Show goes to The Swan!

“In don’t understand how people could watch that. Those women have so many emotional problems to deal with, and that show just glosses over it. They’re still going to have those problems, even with the surgery. Where’s the show about THAT?!” – VC

“It’s all for a competitive tv show, and it’s making it ok for normal women to not like themselves...everything is wrong about that.” – NT

“That show made the audience want to die.” – VC

______________________________________________________

The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Celebrity Crush goes to...it's a tie! Adam Brody and Captain Jack Sparrow share this award!

“This is impossible. I’ve had so many crushes this decade. And it seems unfair, because Jude Law is always my number one. I can’t choose a hottie who’s not Jude Law, because whoever I’m hottying will lose to Jude Law. He’s always hottying above them. It’s not fair. And also, the Jonas brothers should be on this list.” – NT

“James Hetfield will always be my number one celebrity crush! Apologies to Jake Gyllenhaal, who has been my number two for a good solid three years.” – VC

“I won’t lie to you…Joe Jonas is my number two right now.” - NT

“Ouch. Ok, pedophile.” – VC

“Hey! He is 20 years old! Shut up! You’re the pedophile!” - NT

“What?!” - VC

“You know you are.” - NT

“Pedophilia isn’t a joke. But seriously, should we do a tie or something?” - VC

“I guess if we’re going to contain the best hottie to this decade and ignore our number ones, then my solid crush, the man who exemplifies the ‘00s to me is Adam Brody. He only had two good years in the ‘00s, but they were good years.” - NT

"Then, I'm totally going with Cap'n Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp was box office poison, and now look! He's been People's Sexiest Man TWICE in the '00s. Actually, I'm sure he enjoyed being box office poison better than being People's Sexiest. But Captain Jack got him an Oscar nomination for a boozy, fey pirate in a Disney movie! It was such a good role that the Academy actually recognized him for his awesome character work! We knew how hot JD was in the 90s, but Captain Jack and all his craziness defined the '00s for me." - VC

______________________________________________________

The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Book goes to Middlesex!

"Every sentence that he writes is beautiful and meaningful, but you don’t realize it. And the plot moves around epically without dragging. And it’s all just amazing." - NT

"There is no one I know who has read this book and NOT thought it was one of the best they'd ever read. Fact." - VC

The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic Book goes to Twilight!

“Hey Stephanie Meyer, nice adjectives!” - NT

“Every sentence made me want to hurl book across the room. We get it! Edward is supposed to be the most attractive man ever. However, no reader in their right mind can actually believe that when the author goes into super detail about the wetness of his hair and the sparkliness of his skin and the tight white turtleneck sweaters that he wears. This? This is attractive? IF I thought was attractive, I would’ve been in love with Dawson Leery. But for the record, let me state, I never had a crush on Dawson Leery. Pacey is my boo.” - VC

[Meanwhile...]

[Anyway...]

“I read it on the toilet, and I’ve crapped out better literature than that. And I have irritable bowel syndrome.” - NT

“What does that mean?” - VC

“It just means it ain’t pretty.” - NT

______________________________________________________

The winner of the Square Award for Most Beloved Online Junk goes to HomestarRunner.com!

“Once I saw a guy on the T who had a Trogdor messenger bag. And I liked it.” - NT

“One of my friends had a Trogdor decal for her car, and I liked that.” - VC

“Consummate Vs. And that time StrongBad made a montage of “like, whatever?” Oh man, I could watch that right now.” - NT

“…THATCHED-ROOFED COTTAGES!” - VC

The winner of the Square Award for Most Craptastic Online Junk goes to...YouTube videos where you think it’s going to be a video and ends up being a slideshow of pictures.

“That pisses me off more than anything.” - NT

“Girl, thank you! If I wanted to see pictures, I could look under my saved photos on my desktop!” - VC

“…and put my iPOD on shuffle, you know what I’m saying?” - NT

“And they are always the worst pictures, too. Or the worst screencaps.” - VC

“And the music videos are always to something like 'Girlfriend' by Avril Lavigne.” - NT

“For real. Or 'You Belong With Me' by Taylor Swift. Uh, no.” - VC

______________________________________________________

Thanks for being awesome, our fearlessly Square readers! Have a fantabulous and fabulous beginning to 2010! Deuces.

The Square Awards: Best of the '00s

2009-12-26T15:10:00.057-05:00

Greetings and salutations, Squares.

Your faithful Square bloggers, Vampire Christmas and Ninja Thanksgiving, are sick and tired of seeing a plethora of "Best Of" lists all over the Internet (and VH1). It's about time we Squares were involved in deciding what was best throughout the '00 (pronounced "oh-oh") years!

Thus, NT and I have come up with the Square Award. It looks a little something like this:

(And it's entirely fictional, but whatever.)

This week, we will be presenting Square Awards on this site to the films, tv shows, hotties, etc., that most appealed to Squares during the '00s. Not only are we presenting the Square Award to the beloved things of the '00s, but we also felt it our duty to call out the worst things of the '00s (i.e. the things that Squares shunned or felt disgusted by during the '00s). I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

THE NOMINEES
...in random order...

MUSIC VIDEOS

Beloved: The Scientist, Cry Me A River, Welcome to the Black Parade, Toxic, Work It, Umbrella, Lady Marmalade, Hey Ya, South Side, Feel, Let Me Blow Ya Mind, Weapon of Choice, Frontin', She Wants to Move, Drive, In Da Club, What Would You Do?, Dilemma, Knights of Cydonia, Icky Thump, Objection (Tango), Just Like a Pill, Stand Up, Get Back, Ignition (Remix), No One Knows, My Band, Yeah, Shut Up, I Believe In A Thing Called Love, The Real Slim Shady, Father of a Son, Leave (Get Out), Hollaback Girl, Mr. Brightside, Since You've Been Gone, Helena, Crazy, Gold Digger, Move Along, Dirrty, Testify, D.A.N.C.E., SexyBack, Hey Ma, All Nightmare Long, Sixteen Military Wives, Lipgloss, Bad Romance, I'm On A Boat, Conquest, Diva, Fidelity, Listen Up, Trapped in the Closet

Shunned: Baby Boy, A Milli, Nickelback anything, Sk8ter Boi, Your Body is a Wonderland, The Reason, Beautiful Soul, Wait (The Whisper Song), Laffy Taffy, Vertigo, You're Beautiful, Girlfriend, Smack That, When I Grow Up, I Kissed A Girl, Cater 2 U

MOVIES

Beloved: Hero, Brick, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Lord of the Rings 1-3, The Dark Knight, Harry Potter 1-6, Brokeback Mountain, Donnie Darko, Napoleon Dynamite, The Good Girl, Memento, Amelie, The Others, Erin Brokovich, Gladiator, The Brothers Grimm, Anchorman, School of Rock, I Heart Huckabees, A Knight's Tale, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Finding Neverland, You Can Count On Me, Far From Heaven, The Prestige, American Psycho, Moulin Rouge, Lost in Translation, Mamma Mia, Bridget Jones's Diary, Love Actually, Chicago, Stranger Than Fiction, Wonder Boys, Traffic, The Holiday, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Waitress, Serenity, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Departed, Gosford Park, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, The Incredibles, Little Miss Sunshine, Milk, A History of Violence, Eastern Promises, Pitch Black, The Hangover, Let The Right One In, Dear Frankie, Green Street Hooligans, Juno, Junebug, Saved, Lars and The Real Girl, Spellbound, This Film Is Not Yet Rated, Two Weeks Notice

Shunned: Laws of Attraction, Troy, Catwoman, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, He's Just Not That Into You, Obsessed, Pearl Harbor, Wolverine, Crash, Dragon Wars, Basic Instict 2, Boat Trip, Glitter, Honey, Gigli, Across the Universe, Little Man, Norbit, New York Minute, Van Helsing, August Rush, The Women, Because I Said So, Matrix Revolutions

TV SHOWS

Beloved: LOST, True Blood, Buffy, Felicity, Undeclared, Sons of Anarchy, Freaks and Geeks, The Ashlee Simpson Show, Newlyweds, Flavor of Love, So You Think You Can Dance, The Office, 30 Rock, The Soup, The O.C., Best Week Ever, Supernanny, TRL, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, RuPaul's Drag Race, The Sopranos, Queer as Folk, Gossip Girl, Hidden Palms, Laguna Beach, Rome, Gilmore Girls, Arrested Development, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report, Six Feet Under, Cheaters, Project Runway

Shunned: Heroes, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, The Swan, One Tree Hill, 90210, The Surreal Life, A Real Chance at Love, Hell’s Kitchen, Gone Country, The Simple Life

CELEBRITY CRUSHES (REAL PEOPLE & FICTIONAL CHARACTERS...because that's how Squares roll)

Beloved: Gary Oldman, Adam Lazzara, Gerard Way, Jon Hamm, Kris Allen, Adam Lambert, Jason Castro, Ewan McGregor, Seth Green, Eric Northman from True Blood, Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, Justin Timberlake, Chauncey Billups, Kevin Garnett, Joel McHale, John Krasinski, Grant Show, Jude Law, Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Jensen Ackles's Dean Wincester from Supernatural, Jack White, Charlie Hunnam, RDJ, Josh Holloway, Edward Cullen, Orlando Bloom, Jesse Eisenberg, Chloe Sevigny, John Leguizamo, Patrick Swayze, Cate Blanchett, Toni Collette, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Julie Andrews, Patrick Fugit, Amber Tamblyn, James MacAvoy, America Ferrera, Zoey Deschanel, Paul Rudd, Michael Cera & Clark Duke, Viggo Mortensen, Zac Efron, Meryl Streep, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Amy Sedaris, Mark Wahlberg's characters from both I Heart Huckabees & The Departed, Frank Iero, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Nicole Kidman, Denzel Washington, Joaquin Phoenix, Javier Bardem, Emma Thompson, Daniel Day-Lewis, James Franco, Kate Winslet, Ben Foster, Queen Latifah, Emile Hirsch, Hugh Dancy, Adam Brody, Benjamin McKenzie, Russell Brand, Johnny Depp

Shunned: Metro Station, 3OH!3, Angel from Angel the Series, Bill Compton from True Blood, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Keira Knightly's Elizabeth Bennett from Pride & Prejudice, Perez Hilton, Gwyneth Paltrow (for her GOOP site), Kirsten Dunst, The Kardasians, Josh Duhamel, Ray Romano, Gerard Butler, all the celebs who signed the "Free Roman Polanski" petition (say it ain't so, Natalie Portman!!)

BOOKS

Beloved: Harry Potter series, The Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Truth & Beauty, The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, Middlesex, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Devil in the White City

Shunned: Twilight saga, I Feel Bad About my Neck, The Time Traveler’s Wife, Water for Elephants, The Historian

ONLINE JUNK

Beloved: Nanerpus, LOLcats, Stuff On My Cat, Recut Trailers, Twist of a Bitch YouTube video, crazy commentors on Buzznet, Found, End of The World video, Charlie the Unicorn video, BestWeekEver.tv, Viva Caligula game, Salad Fingers video series, STFU Parents, Homestar Runner

Shunned: NBC and Fox yanking a bunch of clips from YouTube, Single Ladies parodies, Fred, All Your Base Are Belong to Us, TMZ, the episode of Salad Fingers where they showed a close-up of Salad Fingers’s nipples, pop-up ads, smiley face ads that annoyingly croon "Helloooooo," YouTube videos where you think it’s going to be a video and ends up being a slideshow of pictures to some craptastic song

*Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion this Wednesday, when winners will be anounced!*

Seacrest Out

2009-12-22T05:31:00.003-05:00

Hey, loyal followers.

While you're nestled all snuggly under the covers, I'm waiting for my ride to pick me up. I'm journeying halfway across the country, deep into the sweet midwest, this Christmas season. Today I will be driving to a magical land called "Michgan." There will be much snow, skiing, and abandoned buildings.

I think VC might have a surprise or two tucked up her pajama sleeves, but before I sign off until 2010, just wanted to give you guys a little Christmas cheer, starring my old man boyfriend, Michael Caine.

Best Bridgegroom Ever

2009-12-20T22:11:00.005-05:00

In no-longer-news-but-was-news-when-I-first-heard-about-it-Friday, Kevin "The Ugly One" Jonas got laid last night. So I guess that's pretty cool. Okay, so maybe there's no actual proof that he got laid, but he got married and is famous for wearing ye olde purity ring, so put two and two together. Also, dude's a scorpio. Bitches is freaks, man. He's probably gettin' it awn as we speak. Naasty. Freak nasty. I mean, look at this kid down here (the one in the center). If he ain't ready to do it, ready to bone, ready for dome, I don't know all the words to the theme song of his Original Disney Channel comedy!

All I know is that when Joe and I get married, there will be no trading his purity ring for one of them normal wedding banns. First off because I don't like jewelry, to the point where I don't even know how to spell it. And secondly because our marriage will be chaste. I'm talking separate twin beds--or even better, bedrooms--and blushing when our hands brush in the kitchen in the morning and sitting at opposite ends of the sofa and looking away when we make eye contact for a second.
Joe! Call me! Your parents will love me and we can honeymoon in Branson!

Remember the Time: 2009 Edition

2009-12-04T01:08:00.002-05:00

Behold! A hilarious video remix of all the crazy stuff that happened this year, courtesy of the fabulous people over at Best Week Ever!

VH1 TV Shows

Music Videos

Celebrity Photos

News & Gossip

Square Holiday Gift Idea

2009-12-03T11:45:00.006-05:00

Perhaps you've heard of a little franchise called Twilight? Perhaps you've heard how it involves a vampire-human-werewolf love triangle? Perhaps every time you hear Twilight fans referred to as "Twihards" you barf in your mouth just a little?

Perhaps you've also seen the creepy t-shirts that read "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob," and wondered what you, as a Square, can do to fight and/or mock the Twilight media saturation. The answer is simple, m'friends.

This holiday season, celebrate your Squareness and your Twi-hate with the latest Team Edward t-shirts!

Now those are a couple of Edwards a Square can support! These dudes aren't horribly toxic, possessive boyfriends and most importantly, THEY DON'T SPARKLE. [Available for purchase here and here]

And if you thought the Twilight mania was insane, just wait until you see this gallery of The 30 Most Disturbing Twilight Products.

Ultimate Square Foodies

2009-11-30T20:34:00.003-05:00

Now that the Thanksgiving-induced tryptofan has worn off...this happens.

Yes, that is a Periodic Table of Cupcakes. And if you think that's the best use of cupcakes by Squares, then you clearly haven't seen the Watchmen cupcakes yet!

I Can't Believe It's Almost My Last Name!

2009-11-22T09:31:00.006-05:00

by Ninja Thanksgiving

I'm a Capricorn and I prefer to just get down to business rather than flapping gums. Thus, I'm bad at networking and small talk. While attempting to make small talk, I tend to make inappropriate jokes, call people "sucka", or reveal something embarrassing about my childhood. This is why I love Fridays and the days leading up to holidays. Instead of making small talk about the weather or the events of a staff meeting, you can ask people what their plans are. These past couple of days, I've been doing just that, about Thanksgiving. Only I kind of really suck at it, because someone will say, "Oh, I'm going to Toledo to be with my family." And I reply, "What are you eating?" Or they'll say, "I'm going to New Orleans to feed the homeless." And I reply, "What are you eating?" Or they'll say, "Harry Connick Jr. and I are going to murder my mother-in-law and steal the thousands of dollars she keeps in her mattress and then run away to an island in the South Pacific." And I reply, "Yes, yes, but what are you eating?" (If you answered "Harry Connick Jr.," you lose. That's gross.)

I love autumnal food. Cinnamon. Maple. Savory and sweet and tart. I love it. And with Thanksgiving smack in the middle of the season, its food is naturally the best. Back in the day, in my childhood, we would have pot luck buffet holidays at my aunt and uncle's house. My whole family would be there, those six cousins would be there, and sometimes other randoms of my huge family would drop by. We did this for every holiday, so lots of times we'd have the same options for each holiday, but most of the stuff I grabbed was the Thanksgivingy stuff. Man, I love Thanksgiving. Here's a list of the food I would be eating at my ideal Thanksgiving. And after I finish writing it, I'm going to pretend to go play Prince of Persia in the spare room with my little cousins once-removed.

Number One on the list? Ham. I know, I know. It's Thanksgiving. Turkey. But I don't really like poultry. If I have the option of eating something with feathers or something with a pelt, I'm going to go with the pelt. (Pigs have pelts, right?) Unless the feathers are teamed with avacado, and then all bets are off. But seriously, ham. It doesn't even need to be spiral-sliced or honey baked. It jsut needs to be juicy and a little sweet and obviously it's going to be because it's so good!

Number two? Whole cranberry sauce. My midwestern soul must have known that one day I would end up in New England, which, in my option, is just basically one big patriotic cranberry bog. At the pot luck buffet, we didn't have cranberry sauce much. We had its bastard cousin, jello salad. Not tasty. I'm not a big fan of whipped cream on anything fruity.

Corn spoon bread. I feel like an asshole for putting this at number three, since this is what my mother makes and it's amazing. It's so amazing she was written up a couple of years ago in the Oakland Press under the headline "Spooning for Good Taste." She's a 60-something year old widow.

Fucking stuffing! At work, at the caf, there's a little place that serves turkey and sides, and they have this things called "Dinner on the Side." It's just four sides, a thing of cranberry sauce, and a roll. The stuffing. It be outrageously good. I think as a kid we just had Stove Top, but now I think I'm becomming a stuffing snob. I don't want raisins or weirdo fruit in my stuffing. Classic stuffing, and two servings, plz.

And for desert, Rice Krispie Treats. They're so easy to grab! We would have at least two different trays made by two different cousins at any given holiday. Clearly they were a favorite with the kids, and at one point I tried to pretend like I was too old and mature for them and ate a piece of pie. FAIL. Although I love to make pie (and will be making one this Thanksgiving), I do not like tasting the pie.

If you're wondering, I think this Thanksgiving I'm having Cornish Game Hens! That's in caps because it's just too amazing! I'm fancy.

By the way, I hate Normal Rockwell. Damn WASPs ruining my life. I just posted that picture because it's iconic and sort of looks like maybe all those family members are hitting on each other or evil. Kind of like these guys. Look out, Nick! They're coming at you from all sides, them and their eyebrows and vests!

Bravo! Square Quote of the Week!

2009-11-21T22:26:00.011-05:00

"I eventually -- very solemnly, with a little bit of malice in my voice -- said, 'Ma'am, with all due respect, you can go jump off a bridge.'" - 10-year-old Will Phillips to his teacher, after he refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance in class until there is truly equality for all

He went on to add, "I've grown up with a lot of people and I'm good friends with a lot of people who are gay and I think they should have the rights all people should, and I'm not going to swear that they do." Hurrah, young Mister Phillips! Thank you for restoring our faith in younger generations. See the video below for some thoughtful (and hilarious) insights from the Arkansas adolescent and future lawyer.

Letter to Crazies: Puppy Weddings vs. Monkey Babies

2009-11-19T16:22:00.009-05:00

Dear Crazy People,

Please do not dress your dogs up in human clothes and have them get "married." It's freaking scary. Why do you think we'll believe your contrived backstories for your dogs? Do you really think me, a grown woman, is going to believe that a King Charles spaniel named Penny Lane is a "former ballerina" who now "handles the front desk" at a dance studio?!

And furthermore, crazy people, do not attempt to replace your human child with a monkey baby to compensate for your empty nest issues.

(Click here to see a clip from that show!)

There's nothing sadder than watching an adult think that her monkey baby accidentally swallowed some pills and then call her monkey psychic to ask if her monkey baby did indeed swallow those pills. This insanity must stop. You all are acting like a bunch of Elmiras, ok?! If you're over the age of ten and have some psychological issues that need working out, then go to a nice psychologist's office and leave poor animals alooooone!!

XOXO,
VC

Bitch Lessons from Melrose Place

2009-11-17T12:41:00.015-05:00

Make no mistake, I am a Melrose Place enthusiast. I even freaking watch the new MP on The CW, ok?! That's dedication. But how can you NOT be dedicated to such an amazingly balls-to-the-wall type of show?!

Seriously, if someone can name a show with plots MORE ludicrous than the original MP series, I'll give them a million bucks. Can't do it, can you? (And don't even come at me with Nip/Tuck plots, because no one on Nip/Tuck ever had a split personality that was the director in charge of a mental institution.)

And tonight, sitting through the latest MP series is about to pay off for all of us old school fans. BEHOLD!

AMANDA IS BACK!!!! Oh, I remember seeing advertisements for the old MP with a giant close-up of Heather Locklear's face and the text reading, "Monday nights are a bitch." If Melrose taught us anything, it's that being a "bitch" can be totally necessary. Because bitches get shit done. (And yes, men can be bitches, too!!)

1. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your dumbass employee Allison gets you in trouble at work because Allison mistakenly tells people she saw you and your mother's boyfriend Chas (who is ALSO your employee!) kissing in the conference room. Oh hell no.

2. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you're trying to kill Dr. Michael Mancini and don't want to be arrested for the attempted murder, and thus need to pin the deed on your clueless partner-in-crime.

3. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...the parents of your dead baby daddy are trying to sue you for full custody of your newborn baby. Then, you put your trust in redhead Dr. Kimberly Shaw to help you get out of that situation and Dr. Kimberly Shaw winds up STEALING YOUR BABY!

4. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your girlfriend just doesn't understand your pain! Your motorcycle shop burned down! And that was your LIVELIHOOD, MAN!!

5. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your girlfriend is being harassed by an ex-boyfriend. And sometimes it's best to cause a ruckus at the harasser's place of business, a construction site.

6. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your sister marries your cheating ex-husband and deigns to wear your wedding dress!!!

7. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you want to get laid at work.

8. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you've just been hired as Chief of Staff at a hospital, and two clowns walk in and try to chat you up before you've even finished moving into your new office.

9. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...you're snooping through your boss' office and a blind colleague walks in on you. (Too bad the blind colleague is only pretending to still be blind, huh?!)

10. Sometimes you have to be a bitch when...your multiple personality tells you to be a bitch.

For a list of other memorable tv bitches, click here!

Between the Two Squares

2009-11-17T12:38:00.002-05:00

It's another awkward edition of "Between the Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis"...featuring Conan (a.k.a. Conando, The Cone Zone, or CoCo)!

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

The Only Hippies I Will Ever Like

2009-11-11T12:32:00.004-05:00

Let's just get this out of the way. I'm the world's worst blogger. I'm sorry. I've been real busy watching episodes of JONAS dubbed into French, okay?

So all over the news they've been talking about Sesame Street's birthday. And I'm real pumepd for it. Did I have a Bert balloon that I bought a Kroger during an Anne of Green Gables stage crew break during high school? I did. And did I let it deflate and then proudly display it as art in my bedroom? I did. It's still there. I love Bert. He's confident in a way that loudmouth Ernie could never be. He love pigeons and bottle caps and he has a unibrow and he doesn't care what you think about him because he's happy being himself. BERT!

Anyway, in all the hubub of the anniversary, no one's mentioned my favorite SS sketch. It follows.

Meanwhile, I can't find my second favorite sketch, which involves some king or something trying to write a poem for a lady. And he gets all his best thinkers together to try to finish the poem he started. Here's now it goes.

"The loveliest flower I know is the rose
That I see with my eyes
and I smell with my . . ."

So the king can't think of how to end the poem. Now, you and I can figure out the word he wants is "nose," but this is Sesame Street, people, so they have to do a little trial and error. In the end he figures it out, and a lovely poem is created, but the best part is when one of his little minions offers up, in an awesome, heavy French accent, "Bellybooton!" Cracked my shit up. Also, let it be known that I'm pretty sure I first saw that sketch in college. Yes, I was still watching full episodes of Sesame Street in college! PBS. You. My. Boo.

Drunk Ewoks.

2009-11-11T08:19:00.004-05:00

Hey, who wants to see some Ewoks get intoxicated, dance like Michael Jackson, and hump Al Roker's leg on live morning television?!

...and this is why The Today Show is amazing. What. The. Hell.

Remember the Time...?

2009-11-11T08:10:00.003-05:00

I really don't think words are necessary in order to preface this next clip; however, I will say that if VH1 ever did a countdown of the "Most 90s Music Videos of the 90s" this would be in the top five. The hair? The clothes? The Blossom nostalgia?

Now have fun getting THIS out of your head for the rest of the day:

P.S. Something to think about -- what is an "opinionation," exactly?!!!! Is that like "holeration" or "danceree?"

NYC Marathon '09 : Square Central

2009-11-04T13:25:00.008-05:00

Let's give a big round of Internet applause to the Squares who participated in the 2009 New York City Marathon...especially all of them who were cool enough to wear bitchin' Halloween costumes!! Click here to enjoy the Top 25 Best Costumes of the NYC Marathon.

[image via Buzzfeed]

It's Official...

2009-10-31T18:29:00.002-04:00

...ghosts are real.

THIS IS HALLOWEEN

2009-10-31T17:27:00.024-04:00

Welcome to the Best Holiday of the Year*, Squares!!

When VC thinks of Halloween, she thinks of three things:

1. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (specifically, watching it at her best friend's house in elementary school after trick-or-treating)

2. Halloween-themed commercials (specifically, the Coke one from her childhood and the Reese's one that won't die)

3. Roseanne's tv show! It had the BEST Halloween episodes ever, okay? That is a FACT.

Remember the time Roseanne kept trying to scare Dan, but it wouldn't work?

And remember the time Roseanne lost the spirit of Halloween, so she was guided around, Christmas Carol-style, to to see the consequences? (This YouTube features one of the best costumes ever, Marie Antoinette and her disembodied head!!)

What are you doing for Halloween, huh?

Here are some excellent Halloween treats to get you into the Halloween spirit!!

Click here to attend Horror 101 with Professor HP Lovecraft!

Pity Batman for not being able to enjoy Halloween (though I can't really tell why...)

Learn the Thriller dance:

And then do the Thriller dance with all your friends:

Click here to remind yourself which non-"horror" movies you should avoid because they friggin' give you nightmares!!!

Finally, if you want the living crap scared out of you, click here to see some vintage Halloween photos.

Eeeeeeek. Those vintage Halloween photos are a bit scarier than Tim Curry's clown costume in It, but not as scary as the entire movie The Audition.

Here's something to take your mind off that vintage creepiness:

ALL HAIL BEETLEJUICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* = According to VC!

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: Bad Moon Rising

2009-10-29T17:00:00.007-04:00

Not a werewolf movie fan? VC & NT can sympathize. But come on...you have to give it up for the awesomeness of the werewolf transformation scenes! Werewolf transformations can make or break werewolf movies.

A lovely YouTuber has already compiled a showdown of the best transformation scenes:

Now compare those scenes to this:

You lose, Twilight. You always lose!!!! Moving on...

I would like to dispell the rumor that werewolves are lacking in the "Hot as Hell" department. Vampires are always tauted as the sexy beasts of the moster realm, but you have to give props to the werewolves, too!

(Cutie Patootie Wolf)

(Cutie Patootie Wolf 2)

(Redneck with a Heart o' Gold Wolf)

(Bumbling British Sweetheart Wolf)

(Angsty Wolf)

(Band Boy Wolf)

(Bar Mitzvah Wolf)

(Coming Soon To A Theatre Near You Wolf)

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: Fire Burn and Caldron Bubble

2009-10-29T16:37:00.009-04:00

Oh helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Are you feeling spooky yet? In the mood for Halloween on Saturday, are you?

No?!!

Will this next YouTube clip help?

Sanderson Sisters in the house! Damn, is Bette Midler awesome or what?! I have so many great memories of Hocus Pocus, although it's not the only cheesy Halloween children's classic dealing with "witches."

The obvious movie that comes to mind:

Next up is one of the best 90s movies of all time:

I'm hard-pressed to find any Halloween witch movie that tops the breakdancing/white rapping showdown in Teen Witch...

...BUT I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS TIM CURRY JELLY (from The Worst Witch)!!

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

2009-10-28T08:30:00.003-04:00

Get pumped for Halloween, Squares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, that's a signing bust from The Haunted Mansion ride! There's plenty more where that came from, people, so we'll be posting Halloween YouTubes for the next few days leading up to the big enchilada, Halloween itself. Mwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

The Best Album Cover of All Time?

2009-10-28T08:11:00.011-04:00

So, VC's favorite American Idol contestant of all time, Adam Lambert (sorry Bo Bice!), just released the cover art for his late November album. There's nothing in this whole world that can prepare you for this, so just take a look:

Adam Lambert + Velvet Goldmine + Lisa Frank + Purple Rain font = this cover!!!!!!!

It's insane, it's wonderful, it's not even fronting -- this album is going to be Adam Lambert in all his glory.

To put this into SAT/ACT terms,
VC:this album cover :: Kanye West:Beyonce's Single Ladies video.

Now excuse me, I'm off to buy an old school Trapper Keeper so I can print this out and paste it to the cover.
XOXO, VC

P.S.

P.P.S.

Har Mar Superstar just SERVED IT!!

2009-10-27T11:38:00.016-04:00

This is just a reminder that you all should really pick up Dark Touches, the new album from Har Mar Superstar.
Wait, what? You haven't heard of Har Mar Superstar?! For those of you unfamiliar with Har Mar Superstar's funktastic work, allow me to present him to you:

After that performance on Fallon's show last night, Har Mar Superstar (real name: Sean Matthew Tillmann) is all over this great land we call The Web today. I particularly love the fact that this man looks like John Lovitz in cartoon form (shout-out to The Critic!) but rocks harder than most frontmen out there right now. He's amazing. Did you SEE his badass moves? Take notes, Karen O, because THIS is how you work a caftan!!

Side Note: Didn't Har Mar's drummer look like Patrick Fugit and Jack White's lovechild? Swoon.

Further Side Note: Sean Matthew Tillmann is also wonderful in the new movie Whip It, so I suggest you get your Square booties to the theatres NOW.

Square Quote of the Week

2009-10-26T12:56:00.024-04:00

Brace yourself for a long quote this week, Squares!

Many of my Square friends seem more than a little intrigued by Scientology, so this quote's for all of you! Below is the "quote" (aka "letter") from Oscar-winning Crash director Paul Haggis to Tommy Davis, Scientology spokesperson. Haggis formally resigns from Scientology, citing the Church's anti-gay stance as the main reason for the split. I've taken the liberty of bolding the best parts, but it's totally worth it to read the letter in its entirety.

"Tommy,

As you know, for ten months now I have been writing to ask you to make a public statement denouncing the actions of the Church of Scientology of San Diego. Their public sponsorship of Proposition 8, a hate-filled legislation that succeeded in taking away the civil rights of gay and lesbian citizens of California – rights that were granted them by the Supreme Court of our state – shames us.

I called and wrote and implored you, as the official spokesman of the church, to condemn their actions. I told you I could not, in good conscience, be a member of an organization where gay-bashing was tolerated.

In that first conversation, back at the end of October of last year, you told me you were horrified, that you would get to the bottom of it and "heads would roll." You promised action.
Ten months passed. No action was forthcoming. The best you offered was a weak and carefully worded press release, which praised the church's human rights record and took no responsibility. Even that, you decided not to publish.

The church's refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites and homophobes is cowardly. I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy.

I refuse to consent.

I joined the Church of Scientology thirty-five years ago. During my twenties and early thirties I studied and received a great deal of counseling. While I have not been an active member for many years, I found much of what I learned to be very helpful, and I still apply it in my daily life. I have never pretended to be the best Scientologist, but I openly and vigorously defended the church whenever it was criticized, as I railed against the kind of intolerance that I believed was directed against it. I had my disagreements, but I dealt with them internally. I saw the organization – with all its warts, growing pains and problems – as an underdog. And I have always had a thing for underdogs.

But I reached a point several weeks ago where I no longer knew what to think. You had allowed our name to be allied with the worst elements of the Christian Right. In order to contain a potential "PR flap" you allowed our sponsorship of Proposition 8 to stand. Despite all the church's words about promoting freedom and human rights, its name is now in the public record alongside those who promote bigotry and intolerance, homophobia and fear.

The fact that the Mormon Church drew all the fire, that no one noticed, doesn't matter. I noticed. And I felt sick. I wondered how the church could, in good conscience, through the action of a few and then the inaction of its leadership, support a bill that strips a group of its civil rights.

This was my state of mind when I was online doing research and chanced upon an interview clip with you on CNN. The interview lasted maybe ten minutes – it was just you and the newscaster.

And in it I saw you deny the church's policy of disconnection. You said straight-out there was no such policy, that it did not exist.

I was shocked. We all know this policy exists. I didn't have to search for verification – I didn't have to look any further than my own home.

You might recall that my wife was ordered to disconnect from her parents because of something absolutely trivial they supposedly did twenty-five years ago when they resigned from the church. This is a lovely retired couple, never said a negative word about Scientology to me or anyone else I know – hardly raving maniacs or enemies of the church. In fact it was they who introduced my wife to Scientology.

Although it caused her terrible personal pain, my wife broke off all contact with them. I refused to do so. I've never been good at following orders, especially when I find them morally reprehensible.

For a year and a half, despite her protestations, my wife did not speak to her parents and they had limited access to their grandchild. It was a terrible time.

That's not ancient history, Tommy. It was a year ago.

And you could laugh at the question as if it was a joke? You could publicly state that it doesn't exist?

To see you lie so easily, I am afraid I had to ask myself: what else are you lying about?

And that is when I read the recent articles in the St. Petersburg Times. They left me dumbstruck and horrified.

These were not the claims made by "outsiders" looking to dig up dirt against us. These accusations were made by top international executives who had devoted most of their lives to the church. Say what you will about them now, these were staunch defenders of the church, including Mike Rinder, the church's official spokesman for 20 years!

Tommy, if only a fraction of these accusations are true, we are talking about serious, indefensible human and civil rights violations. It is still hard for me to believe. But given how many former top-level executives have said these things are true, it is hard to believe it is all lies.

"...the same face that denied the policy of disconnection"

And when I pictured you assuring me that it is all lies, that this is nothing but an unfounded and vicious attack by a group of disgruntled employees, I am afraid that I saw the same face that looked in the camera and denied the policy of disconnection. I heard the same voice that professed outrage at our support of Proposition 8, who promised to correct it, and did nothing. I carefully read all of your rebuttals, I watched every video where you presented the church's position, I listened to all your arguments – ever word. I wish I could tell you that they rang true.
But they didn't.

I was left feeling outraged, and frankly, more than a little stupid.

And though it may seem small by comparison, I was truly disturbed to see you provide private details from confessionals to the press in an attempt to embarrass and discredit the executives who spoke out. A priest would go to jail before revealing secrets from the confessional, no matter what the cost to himself or his church. That's the kind of integrity I thought we had, but obviously the standard in this church is far lower – the public relations representative can reveal secrets to the press if the management feels justified. You even felt free to publish secrets from the confessional in Freedom Magazine – you just stopped short of labeling them as such, probably because you knew Scientologists would be horrified, knowing you so easily broke a sacred vow of trust with your parishioners.

How dare you use private information in order to label someone an "adulteress?" You took Amy Scobee's most intimate admissions about her sexual life and passed them onto the press and then smeared them all over the pages your newsletter! I do not know the woman, but no matter what she said or did, this is the woman who joined the Sea Org at 16! She ran the entire celebrity center network, and was a loyal senior executive of the church for what, 20 years? You want to rebut her accusations, do it, and do it in the strongest terms possible – but that kind of character assassination is unconscionable.

So, I am now painfully aware that you might see this an attack and just as easily use things I have confessed over the years to smear my name. Well, luckily I have never held myself up to be anyone's role model.

The great majority of Scientologists I know are good people who are genuinely interested in improving conditions on this planet and helping others. I have to believe that if they knew what I now know, they too would be horrified. But I know how easy it was for me to defend our organization and dismiss our critics, without ever truly looking at what was being said; I did it for thirty-five years. And so, after writing this letter, I am fully aware that some of my friends may choose to no longer associate with me, or in some cases work with me. I will always take their calls, as I always took yours. However, I have finally come to the conclusion that I can no longer be a part of this group. Frankly, I had to look no further than your refusal to denounce the church's anti-gay stance, and the indefensible actions, and inactions, of those who condone this behavior within the organization. I am only ashamed that I waited this many months to act. I hereby resign my membership in the Church of Scientology.

Sincerely, Paul Haggis

Ps. I've attached our email correspondence. At some point it became evident that you did not value my concerns about the church's tacit support of an amendment that violated the civil rights of so many of our citizens. Perhaps if you had done a little more research on me, the church's senior management wouldn't have dismissed those concerns quite so cavalierly. While I am no great believer in resumes and awards, this is what you would have discovered:

* Founder, Artists For Peace and Justice,- sponsoring schools, an orphanage and a children's hospital in the slums of Haiti
* Co-Founder, BrandAid Foundation and BrandAid Project- marketing the work of artisans from the poorest countries in the world,
* Board Member, Office of The Americas- supporting peace and justice initiatives around the world* Board Member, Center For The Advancement of Non-Violence
* Member and active supporter, Amnesty International
* Member, President's Council, Defenders of Wildlife
* Member and fundraiser, Environment California and CalPirg
* Member and Award Recipient, American Civil Liberties Union
* Member and supporter, Death Penalty Focus
* Member and supporter, Equality For All
* Fundraiser, NPH (Our Little Brothers) – for the children of the slums of Haiti
* Member, Citizens Commission on Human Rights
* Patron with Honors, IASAnd formerly:
* Trustee, Religious Freedom Trust
* Board Member and fundraiser, Hollywood Education and Literacy Project
* Board Member and fundraiser, For The Arts, For Every Child– supporting art and music in public schools
* Board Member and fundraiser, The Christic Institute- supporting Human Rights in Central America
* Founding Board Member, Earth Communication Office
* Working Board Member, Environmental Media Association
* Fundraiser, El Rescate – Human Rights for El Salvador
* Fundraiser, PAVA – Aid and Human Rights in Guatemala Awards for outspoken support of Civil and Human Rights:
* Valentine Davies Award – Writers Guild of America"for bringing honor and dignity to writers everywhere"
*Bill of Rights Award – American Civil Liberties Union
*Hubert H. Humphrey Civil Rights Award – Leadership Conference on Civil Rights
*Peace & Justice Award – Office of the Americas, presented by Daniel Ellsberg
*Signis Award, Venezia, World Catholic Association
*ALMA Award – National Council of Latino Civil Rights
*Ethel Levitt Award for Humanitarian Service – Levitt & Quinn
*Prism Award – Entertainment Industries Council
*Humanitas Prize (2) – Humanitas
*Legacy Award, for Artistic and Humanitarian Achievement
*Environmental Media Award – EMA
*EMA Green Seal Award – EMA
*Image Award – NAACP
*Creative Integrity Award – Multicultural Motion Picture Association
*EDGE Awards (2) – Entertainment Industries Council
*Artistic Freedom Award – City of West Hollywood
*Catholics in Media Award – Catholics in Media Associates
And many dozens of fundraisers and salons at our home on behalf of Human and Civil Rights, the Environment, the Peace Movement, Education, Justice and Equality."

Wow. Let's all give a slow clap to Paul Haggis. I love it when someone gets (justifiably) SERVED.

Square Site of the Week: Literally, A Web Blog

2009-10-19T13:44:00.014-04:00

How great is Literally, A Web Log?! Misusing "literally" is one of VC's biggest pet peeves. (Heaven help the person who misuses "literally" and doesn't use their GD blinkers when driving!!!!!!!!) The most irksome part is that "literally" seems like a relatively easy concept to understand; so, why are so many people abusing the term so much?! Sure, hearing a tv character say he is "literally up Shit Creek without a paddle," might be hilarious...until you start to notice that incorrect "literally" drive-bys are happening more and more frequently nowadays.

Check out Public Enemy #1: Rachel Zoe

Zoe's a celebrity stylist who misuses "lit'rally" at least five times per episode of The Rachel Zoe Project (perhaps that's why Literally, A Web Log doesn't cover her). And her "lit'rally" disease has been passed down to her assistants, too. Rachel's been to college, and she has enough charm and wits to convince friggin' Karl Lagerfeld himself to cut the sleeves off his own haute couture Chanel gown for one of her clients! So when Rachel says things like, "I literally die for Paul McCartney," VC literally cringes.

Click the pic or Click here for Zoe hilarity!!

Square Quote of the Week

2009-10-15T12:38:00.008-04:00

People, there hasn't been any Square news in a hot minute! Thankfully, I found a quote that appealed to the Square in me, and I thought I'd share it with you lovely people.

This QotW comes from a celebrity who is not a Square, but whose quote definitely appeals to Squares.

"Dear ashton kutcher yo momma so old the key on ben franklins kite, was to her apartment. Respond if ur not scared" ~ Shaq on Twitter

Wasn't that beautiful? If there's one thing we Squares love, it's dated yo momma jokes and laughing at grammatical errors (and by "gramatical errors," I mean "Ashton Kutcher").

Square Quote of the Week

2009-10-04T10:30:00.012-04:00

"So, I threw it on the ground!"
~ Square Andy Samberg

I give up. Andy Samberg is hilarious, ok?! I've tried to resist full-on enjoying him, because he seemed like a hipster posing as the next SNL Jimmy Fallon...but...I officially take it back, ok?!

Dear Andy Samberg,

You're awesome. Thank you, thank you, for making all the fabulous Digital Shorts that I currently have on my iPod and listen to on a daily basis. Also, thank you for wearing a National Organization for Women shirt at the Spike Awards back in the day. You think we square ladies didn't notice? We did. And thank you for clarifying you weren't wearing it in an ironic way, but you actually support NOW. Well done, you.

Of course, Hulu wouldn't let me customize this video player...so I threw Hulu on the grooooooooound! I ain't gonna be part of your system, Hulu! I'm an adult!!! Happy birthday...to the grouuuuuuund!

"These aren't the cakes you're looking for."

2009-09-24T12:09:00.006-04:00

[image taken from a Lucasfilm press event, via io9]

Square Fiiiiight!

2009-09-23T08:17:00.002-04:00

What happens when three celebrity Squares attempt to fight each other?

Square Site of the Month: I'mma Let You Finish.com

2009-09-19T09:38:00.027-04:00

You know, this whole Kanye-West-interrupting-Taylor-Swift's-VMA-acceptance-speech thing is sooooooo last week. But you know what's not getting old? All the fabulous submissions over at I'mma Let You Finish.com. Here are some squarific examples:

P.S.

Square Guilty Pleasure: Divas

2009-09-18T14:17:00.025-04:00

Some people (VC) might have been really pumped at the prospect of a new Divas Live! show on VH1 last night.

But some people (VC & NT) might have had to turn away from said program, due to the following:

1. Lack of actual divas (Miley Cyrus?! Really?!)
2. Slurring Paula Abdul making a firecrotch joke to Kathy Griffin

Yes, yes. Everyone (VC & NT) loves a good firecrotch joke. But Paula, weaving around with her back to the camera, somehow made it desperately unfunny. If Paula would get back to her old, unmedicated self, we'd be behind her 100%.

Here's the only highlight of the evening, in VC's opinion. Perhaps her opinion is biased, because "Somebody Bring Me Some Water" is one of the Best Jams of All Time?!

VH1 Divas | Divas Video

Ah, if only the whole Divas Live! 2009 experience was as amazing as that duet. Whoever produced this show clearly forgot what made all the previous Divas! shows so amazing.

1. Plenty of Celine (Because bitch is crazy.)

2. Divas with years of experience under their belts

3. Outrageousness

4. Fabulous voices

5. Lots and lots of runs

6. Men can be Divas, too!

7. Divas trying to out-sing each other

8. Divas ultimately coming together in the end for a rocking diva party.

So, instead of watching the rest of the newest Divas Live! installment, I'll just be watching this next video on repeat:

Honorary Square/Pic of the Day

2009-09-16T17:13:00.006-04:00

RIP, The Swayze!

2009-09-15T10:59:00.006-04:00

And click here for the ultimate DD moment...

Sweet Temptation

2009-09-15T10:54:00.004-04:00

So. Is this the cutest, truest video on the Internet right now? Resist the instant gratification, kiddies!

Oh, The Temptation from Steve V on Vimeo.

That girl at the 3:00 mark is THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!

Quotes of the Week

2009-09-15T10:47:00.003-04:00

"Kanye West is the biggest piece of shit on earth. Quote me." - Pink (via Twitter)

"Kanye West is an idiot, a waste, a toolbox." - Pink

But Pink, how do you really feel?

Labor Day Weekend for Squares

2009-09-04T14:58:00.038-04:00

Perhaps you're wondering how two awesome Squares like VC & NT are planning to spend the glorious Labor Day weekend. (If you're not wondering...congratulations, you're too cool for school.)

VC & NT's To-Do List
Labor Day Weekend
(in random order)

Read Moby Dick - 'cause it's a classic and not as boring as your high school classmates told you! Bonus points for whaling information, which is oddly fascinating. After a recent trip to a whaling museum, NT grossed out VC by telling her all about the waxy oil in a whale's head and the shark problems that sometimes occurred while sailors were trying to capture a whale.

Read Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris - But beware: if you read it on the subway some lady might come up to you and point out that she sees you laughing openly at the book. And then what are you supposed to say to that? "Um...thank you?" "Sorry?" "Yes, it's obviously a hilarious read, so I will just tell you all about it instead of reading it quietly to myself, which is what I was trying to do on this subway car?" Not that this situation happened to VC or anything...

Go to a taping of Wheel of Fortune - Listen, when WoF comes to your town, you HAVE to go to it. It's Square Law. [Update: VC & NT have gone to the taping, seen The Sajak, and will be visible in the tv audience on the November 12th and November 13th shows.]

Actual Labor - Some people actually have to work on holiday weekends, amiright?!

Sing along to RENT - Rent co-stars Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs gave birth to what must be an amazingly attractive and talented baby this week, so why not celebrate by brushing off your old Rent sountrack and singing the entire libretto at the top of your lungs? (It helps to do so with a friend, so your voice doesn't wear out from doing all the characters yourself.)

Find out what this weird "Kitchen" thing is all about - Apparently, some people use this "kitchen" thing as a cooking facility. And after watching Meryl Streep rock out as Julia Child in Julie & Julia, VC has decided to go crazy on some groceries and see what happens. Specifically, she would like to make an omelette thusly:

Also, VC is hoping NT will whip out The Best Better Homes & Gardens Recipe Ever:

Ravioli-Vegetable Stacks

Start to Finish: 25 minutes

Ingredients

1 lb. frozen cheese-or meat-filled ravioli
2 small zucchini
4 plum tomatoes, thinly sliced
3 Tbsp. olive oil
1/2 cup small fresh basil leaves [SQUARE NOTE: OR Oregano!]
1 8-oz. pkg. shredded Italian-blend cheese (2 cups)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Cook ravioli according to package directions. Trim and lengthwise slice zucchini. Add zucchini to ravioli during the last 3 minutes of cooking time. Drain, but do not rinse.
2. In 2-quart square baking dish layer half the tomato slices. Drizzle 1 tablespoon of the oil. Sprinkle half the basil. Using tongs, layer half the ravioli and sprinkle half the cheese. Layer zucchini slices; drizzle 1 tablespoon oil. Layer remaining ravioli, basil, cheese, and tomato; drizzle remaining oil. Season with salt and ground black pepper.
3. Bake, uncovered, 9 to 10 minutes or until cheese is melted and begins to brown. To serve, cut into squares; sprinkle with fresh basil [SQUARE NOTE: You can use oregano instead of basil, and it's still yummy!]. Makes 4 servings.

Have a Dance Party in the Kitchen - Must dance to this jam in particular:

Take a trip to Lizzie Borden's House - PSYCH!!!! One visit is enough. That place is seriously scary. The whole neighborhood has a tone, you know? Perhaps the tone had to do with not only the gruesome Borden death, but also the infanticide, homicide, and suicide of the families in the surrounding area? Yeah, trust us...100% haunted. A day trip to someplace nice and not haunted like Center Harbor, NH or Portsmouth, NH might be in the cards instead.

Participate in "Sunday Nights Ain't Right." - Never heard of SNAR? Don't worry, it's because VC & NT invented that title just now. Think of SNAR as a "TGIF" or "Must-See TV" tagline for television show lineups. SNAR refers to the unholy triad of shows that are watched in this order Sunday nights: JONAS, True Blood, and Mad Men.

Once you've digested that Sunday night sequence, let us explain ourselves.

JONAS is unfortunately very, very amusing. You know how some kids theatre productions are legitimately awesome, filled with random humor and surprisingly good acting? It's kind of like that. Plus, it has a catchy theme song! Damn those Jonai!!

TRUE BLOOD is a sweaty, hilarious, over-the-top melodrama in the deep south. Words cannot express how bizarrely twisted it is (maybe Buffy + Designing Women + Melrose Place?), so we present the following clips:

Since TRUE BLOOD won't be broadcast this Labor Day weekend, however, VC will be forced to watch this youtube video of her Fictional Boyfriend, Eric Northman, on repeat.

When the adolescent and trashy portions of Sunday night tv cease, it's time to get classy with MAD MEN and feel better about our lives.

Hey, speaking of boyfriends...are you ready for the last thing on VC & NT's To Do List?

Make preparations to see Jude Law star in Hamlet on Broadway. TRUE! NT is scheduled to see her favorite actor/hotness icon! So, she needs to figure out exactly what kind of memorable conversation she will have with Jude at the stage door. Maybe she should grab a sax and sing to him?

Have a great weekend, all you fabulous Squares!

Remember the Time

2009-09-03T16:51:00.008-04:00

Y'all, we haven't posted a 90s music video in days.

As enjoyable as the 90s boy band explosion was (and I mean...it was pretty enjoyable), there were only two great things that came from that movement.

1. Justin Timberlake!

Without boy bands, our collective sexy might still be lost, wandering around Vegas aimlessly and wondering why no one had the guts to call it back.

2. Boy Band Parodies!

I danced to that song at my prom, people. MY PROM. Those of you who missed 2Gether's popularity might've been entertained with Dudez A Plenti instead.

And for those two reasons, I will always remember the boy band takeover of the mid-to-late-nineties fondly (with the exception of "Mmmbop").

Is it the weekend yet?!

2009-09-03T16:43:00.004-04:00

This video sums up my feelings about waiting for the holiday weekend:

Just waiting for the weekend to start. Aaaaaanytime now.

What?! It's still Thursday?! Ok, then. THIS video sums up my feelings about it still being Thursday:

And this last video sums up my plans for the weekend:

Really, CNN?

2009-09-02T14:58:00.009-04:00

Remember back in the day, when CNN used to report on real news?

Great. Now this poor boy will have young "Twihards" camping out in his front lawn. Next thing you know, CNN will try to convince us they have evidence of the mythical chupacabra.

OH WAIT A SECOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah journalism.

Happy Weekend!

2009-08-28T10:32:00.008-04:00

Here's something extremely cute (and weird) to kick off your weekend.

Sorry the video is so freaking huge...HULU won't let me customize the embedded player. So, you'll just have to see the puppies in glorious HD. I know -- life is so tough sometimes.

Wait, what? You want to watch ANOTHER video that involves Conan and a puppy, too? You mean you want to see...THE EVIL PUPPY?!

Evil Puppy - Watch more Funny Videos

Enjoy the weekend, peeps!

NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Part 2.

2009-08-27T13:16:00.005-04:00

Dear Mtv,

You know that horrible West Side Story theme you've got going on with the VMAs this year? THIS is how you parody West Side Story, ok?

Love,

VC

NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-27T12:53:00.008-04:00

This promo for the VMAs is making me feel like a granny.

Dramatic recreation of my response to that VMA ad:

First of all, I love Russell Brand. I can even admit to liking some Taylor Swift on occasion! But that VMA commercial was PAINFUL. Am I right?! Everyone's singing seemed to be just plain off. And a West Side Story theme? Really? Didn't GAP ads do that better in the late 90s?

Yes indeed. Cobra Starship & Co. just got served by some dancers wearing snazzy slacks.

But, alas! I'm totally watching the VMAs this year, since one of my favorite bands (Muse!!!!!!!!!!!!!) is showing up to play a new song. Why must you put me through this, Muse? Why? Ah well. Maybe Russell Brand will say something hilariously offensive to the Jonai again to amuse me while I wait for Muse...

Women's Equality Day!

2009-08-26T13:25:00.019-04:00

Happy Women's Equality Day!!!!!!!!!!!

August 16th, 1920: 19th Amendment passed, giving women the right to vote in the USA.

Joint Resolution of Congress, 1971
Designating August 26 of each year as Women’s Equality Day

WHEREAS, the women of the United States have been treated as second-class citizens and have not been entitled the full rights and privileges, public or private, legal or institutional, which are available to male citizens of the United States; and

WHEREAS, the women of the United States have united to assure that these rights and privileges are available to all citizens equally regardless of sex; and

WHEREAS, the women of the United States have designated August 26, the anniversary date of the passage of the Nineteenth Amendment, as symbol of the continued fight for equal rights: and

WHEREAS, the women of United States are to be commended and supported in their organizations and activities,

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, that August 26th of each year is designated as Women’s Equality Day, and the President is authorized and requested to issue a proclamation annually in commemoration of that day in 1920, on which the women of America were first given the right to vote, and that day in 1970, on which a nationwide demonstration for women’s rights took place.

...and speaking of women's issues...

I thought I'd hit you with a hodgepodge of interesting links and online discussions about international (and national!) women's issues. Tearjerky, but necessary.

NEWSFLASH

New York Times explores how "changing the lives of women and children in the developing world can change everything."

Acid Attacks in Bangladesh

Chris Brown sentenced to probation, community service, and domestic violence classes. I never want to bring Paris Hilton into any discussion...but EVEN PARIS HILTON HAD TO SERVE A DAY OF JAIL TIME!

A Menstruation Movie? I'm intrigued!

Female voters threatened in Afghanistan elections, some of whom had their fingers chopped off after voting.

Public outcry after Kelly Clarkson mag cover is obviously airbrushed!

Miss Universe claims there are no barriers to women anymore.

...so I'd like Miss Universe to explain to me why there's still a pay gap (and an even worse pay gap for women of color).

Afghanistan legally allows men to deny their wives food as punishment for denying sexual favors.

Partyline will rock your riot grrrl socks off.

Glamour puts a naked, un-airbrushed model in their magazine

"Congo's Rape Epidemic Worsens During U.S.-Backed Military Operations."

"Is Testosterone 'Male?'"

Wizard Rock: Not Just For Men

Play me off, Destiny's Child...

What the eff?!

2009-08-26T08:16:00.005-04:00

Morning, y'all! I'm currently trying to figure out what the heck the upcoming movie Inception is all about. It's about Leo D. And minds? And Joseph Gordon-Levitt (JoGo) and Leo D. fight all Matrixy in a hallway? Or something?

Whatever it's about, I'm seeing it!! That trailer is badass! Christopher Nolan hasn't ever made a movie I've disliked (remember the awesomeness of Memento?), so Inception has that going for it as well. Also, it's nice to see the Leo/Scorsese & Bale/Nolan duos mixed up, right?!

UPDATE and HELLA PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD!!

SPOILER: Apparently, Leonardo plays a CEO/thief who jumps into people's dreams (via injection) in order to manipulate them. Leo's business team consists of Ellen Page, JoGo, and Tom Hardy. (Spoiler source here)

Bring it, Mr. Nolan!

MANDATORY TELEVISION

2009-08-20T16:07:00.006-04:00

This is just a friendly reminder:

PROJECT RUNWAY STARTS TONIGHT!!!!!!!

ON LIFETIME!!!!!

HALLELUJAH!

...and an All-Star Challenge precedes the new season opener tonight. I'm almost more excited about that than the actual new season! Peep the All-Stars competing at 8pm: Daniel V., Santino, Jeffrey, Uli, Mychael Knight, Chris March, Sweet P, and Korto. BRING IT.

Square Food: What Would Brian Boitano Make?

2009-08-20T15:01:00.012-04:00

Seriously. "What Would Brian Boitano Make?" is the title of my soon-to-be Favorite Cooking Show in the History of Television. Yes, it's exactly what you think it is.

Premieres Sunday, August 23, at 1pm/12c. Food Network y'all. Here's the official site if you don't believe me!

The LA Times reveals:

"In each episode, Boitano hosts a get-together at his home, creating a custom menu for his guests, who range from his single-and-ready-to-mingle friend and 20 bachelorettes to a bacon-loving all-girl roller derby."

Digression: while we're on the subject of roller derbies...is it wrong that I'm totally excited for this movie?!!!

Bear-Interviewer Keanu Reeves interrupts the Night Cheese

2009-08-10T15:19:00.013-04:00

Hellooooooooooo! NT & VC have been getting some questions lately along the lines of "Are you guys ever blogging again?" This post is proving that we are SO totally blogging again. It's just that we're on summer break right now. And by "summer break," I of course mean "working on our Night Cheese."

Yep, that's about right. (Except picture two Liz Lemons watching BBC's Being Human.)

But don't worry. NT & VC may be on, uh, summer break...but that doesn't mean we're going to stop posting altogether. How else would you guys see these weirdo, awesomely square items? For instance:

WHAT THE HELL?!!! I don't know, you guys. I just don't know.

What?! ...Okay.

2009-07-21T15:06:00.018-04:00

Breaking News: That picture just made my day.

Head over to Funk Jelly to see even more high school photographs of rappers, you guys. Doesn't that make you feel so much better about your own yearbook shots?

If you still need to feel holier-than-thou, then check out this 10 Awkward Photos of Heavy Metal Stars site. I used to have a curly-topped mullet, and even MY pictures were better than that, ok?! SNAP, MUSTAINE!!!!!!!!!! (Question: why was Eddie Van Halen so emo, in a very Joseph Gordon-Levitt kind of way?!)

Ah, I see young Master Axel Rose favored the Dorthy Hamil haircut. Well played, good sir! I had the very same style. However, (spoiler!) I am a woman.

Who would've guessed this person would one day bring us the masterpiece known simply as "November Rain?"

Remember the Time: Mash-Up Edition

2009-07-21T14:47:00.004-04:00

If you know me, you know I love a good mash-up. Eminem & Annie Lennox? Word. Jay-Z & The Beatles? Bring It. And now I have to go and find a way to put this latest awesomeness on my iPOD:

Let's Get Sirius

2009-07-13T13:39:00.010-04:00

It's that time again. Harry Potter time. (Or, as I like to call it, "Ron and Severus time.") So, if you're Potter-inclined, get a refresher on what your favorite characters have been up to by clicking here before you go see the latest movie opening in theatres this week.

After you've been reminded about what the heck happened in the last five books/movies, then you might want to figure out which Hogwarts House you'd be put into upon your arrival at Hogwarts. Would you be in Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, or Ravenclaw? Or would you go to Slytherin with all the other a-holes and serial killers?

Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

I've been torn about which House I like the best (Gryffindor or Hufflepuff?!), so I took this quiz and wound up in Hufflepuff. But! Then, I took this quiz (which was a weirdo quiz, to be sure) and ended up in Gryffindor. Such is life. Not a bad way to spend your lunch hour, though.

Word up, Muggles.

P.S. If you haven't seen The Burrow Attack clip yet (no spoilers, just intensity), you should really click here.

Tribute FAIL

2009-07-09T11:37:00.006-04:00

There are no words for that.

But perhaps this YouTube will help you fully understand Celine Dion's level of crazy:

It is Time

2009-07-06T21:31:00.006-04:00

So I, Ninja Thanksgiving, have been missing for a while. I have good reason. I've been crazy, hella busy. Mind bogglingly busy. Here are things I've been doing.
1) Completing my novel. Yes. I have a compelling protagonist with obstacles to overcome, and in the end he's a better person for it. I'm really excited to travel to Sweden and accept my Nobel Prize for literature. SUCK IT, CHABON!
2) Developing a computer game. In it the main character is some sort of amnesiac spy who is trapped in what appears to be a Turkish mental hospital. You spend most of the game just trying to break out of the mental hospital, using a plastic knife to chip away at solid rock. You're smart, but somehow you always end up getting a lobotomy. Except that your brother can get to higher levels. Why must he be so good at everything? Also, the theme songs rules and will haunt you into your late twenties.
3) Winning American Idol. And mourning Michael Jackson all in one. I know you've all been wondering what I look like. I look like a Pokemon and I sing like an angel.

Okay, but seriously, I have no real reason to be so out-of-it. I wracked my brains just now trying to figure out what I'd been doing for the past months, and besides being creatively drained from writing, I think I've probably spent most of my hours sitting in my darkened room, listening to Iron & Wine like a tool while clutching my Build-A-Bear. Oooh, that damn flightless bird! You got me again, Cullen-related shit! You got me again!

B.day

2009-06-30T12:45:00.004-04:00

Happy Birthday, Vincent D'Onofrio! Despite creeping me out in Full Metal Jacket and The Cell (...right?! SCARY!), I still have love for Detective Bobby Goren, Master of Getting Criminal Confessions While Weirdly Leaning.

RESPECT

2009-06-25T23:02:00.008-04:00

...and let's not forget the ultimate dance break...

Tremble with fear!!

2009-06-25T17:03:00.015-04:00

Dear All My Wonderful Friends Who Have Cats,

This isn't going to help the "CRAZY CAT LADY" stereotype, huh? Don't worry, though, because one day in the future people will realize that insanity has no animal bias. Also...

Please, please do not turn into the scary lady at O:32 of this video. Do not even imitate this lady as a joke when I'm nearby, ok? She is terrifying. And I don't mean she's terrifying in a that-woman-should-get-out-more way, but rather she's terrifying in a that-women-will-kill-you-and-not-realize-she's-doing-it way.

Good luck sleeping tonight,
-VC, CRAZY DOG LADY

Vicious, Unstable Sea Lion vs. Defenseless, Outnumbered San Francisco Police

2009-06-25T13:24:00.013-04:00

Watch (and coo over) this poor baby sea lion, who was minding its own biznas when those crazy San Fran po-pos arrested it and threw it in the back of their police vehicle...until that crafty sea lion staged a brave escape (at 0:53)!

Can't we all just agree that great white sharks are the real enemy, not sea lions? I'm willing to bet one of those oceanic serial killers FRAMED this poor sea lion for his alleged crimes!

TGIF: Wheel of Unfortunate Souls

2009-06-19T11:21:00.006-04:00

And if THAT doesn't make you feel like the smartest Square ever, then check out the list of the top ten most idiotic Wheel of Fortune contestants at this site.

"No, my first name ain't baby..."

2009-06-19T11:13:00.003-04:00

Don't mess with the Senator, Brigadier General Michael Walsh!

...and that brings me to this week's "Remember the Time?" video.

Conan: Shat Upon

2009-06-18T14:24:00.003-04:00

I love Conan's reaction to Shatner's crazy behavior at the end of this weird interview: run away, get angry, intimidate from atop a desk.

OMG. ROTFL. J/K, J/K. Srsly LOL. BRB. K? -blinks-

2009-06-17T12:26:00.013-04:00

NT & VC are seriously burnt out from a weekend of fun. So here's something to make all of you laugh/roll your eyes/wonder if this is a sign of the apocalypse.

The best thing about this old cat-playing-a-keyboard video...

...is that it inspires Squares to create other videos of excellence.

Behold! Keyboard Gato!

Behold! Footage of a young Helen Hunt's after school special mashed up with a Hall & Oates music video!

Nothing pleases me more than to see Squares putting their skillz to good use on YouTube. Carry on, Squares. Carry on.

I'm so excited!!!!! (I'm so scared!)

2009-06-09T15:12:00.004-04:00

Try not to let Jimmy Fallon bug you, and check out this interview with none other than ZACK FREAKING MORRIS!

Tony Awards: Bret Michaels OWNED by Broadway

2009-06-08T11:53:00.011-04:00

You guys, I can't stop laughing at this clip from The Tony Awards last night. Bret Michaels sang one of his songs used in the (Tony nominated) musical Rock of Ages. And then he had an unfortunate run-in with the descending scenery. Heh. Heh heh heh. Heh heh ha ha. Bwahahaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Dear Bret Michaels,

Awwww. Are simple things like "hitting your mark" or "avoiding a large solid backdrop being lowered on you" a little too difficult for you to remember, Bret dear? Maybe all those years of boozing, wearing stupid hats (by which I mean "wigs"), and degrading women on national television finally caught up to you?

XOXOXO,
Karmic Justice

P.S. You guys!! Wouldn't it be great if this accident gave Bret amnesia, Regarding Henry-style, and he actually became a better person?!

P.P.S. Click this link for a bunch of other awesome moments from the awards last night.

Square Toy Alert: Turbo Heather

2009-06-08T11:24:00.005-04:00

"The most awesome, action-packed, fashion-forward dirt racing monsters ever built!"

Too bad this commercial is a spoof. Although, I'm a little ashamed that I never thought to do this kind of thing with my Barbies...

Hat FAIL

2009-06-05T11:25:00.032-04:00

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fashion. I love it, I hate it. But more to the point, I'm mystified by it. For instance, do designers really expect us ladies (especially us rockin' awesome Square ladies) to put the following horrors on our heads?

Considering these "humbrellas" were presented by fierce designer Alexander McQueen, I'm guessing he did them as art pieces. I'm fine with that -- they would look amazing as costumes in superhero movies or something. I have no beef with McQueen, especially when he uses my favorite color palette.

But, dear friends, nothing I can type will be able to prepare you for these next hats...

OMG. WTF. OMG, OMG. WTF.

First of all, you need to click here for the full "hair hat" catalog, including an amazing elk hat that will make your mind explode. I am now trying to imagine any place or event on this green and watery Earth that would require such a hat. I've never in my life said, "You know what I want for Christmas? A giant lion made out of hair to put over my own hair!" or, "Have you seen Audrey Hepburn's dress? Don't you think it would look even better if she jammed a giant crocodile made out of hair on her head?"

I guess I don't have to worry, though. I mean, no one would be that stupid to put such a garish hat on their heads in public, right? Celebrities know they don't have to wear everything designers send down a runway, right?

Sigh.

Well, I guess now it won't be that embarrassing to post the photo of NT and I at Epsom Races in England earlier today.

[image via Getty]

Quotes of the Day

2009-06-03T13:39:00.018-04:00

Fightin' words from two feisty females!!!

ROUND 1: Clair Huxtable vs. Daughter Sandra's Husband Elvin

"Let me tell you something, Elvin...You see, I am not 'serving' Dr. Huxtable, okay? That sort of thing goes on in a restaurant. I'm bringing him a cup of coffee because he brought me a cup of coffee this morning, and that is what marriage is all about. Give and take, fifty-fifty. And, if you don't get it together and DROP these macho attitudes, you are never gonna have anyone bringing you anything, any place, anytime EVER!" -- Clair on The Cosby Show

VISUAL AID:

VERDICT: Don't mess with Clair Huxtable, because you will always lose.

____________________________________________________

ROUND 2: Singer Beth Ditto vs. Singer Katy Perry

"[Katy Perry's 'I Kissed A Girl'] is a boner dyke anthem for straight girls who like to turn guys on by making out or, like, faking gay. I hate Katy Perry! She's offensive to gay culture, I'm so offended. She's just riding on the backs of our culture without having to pay any of the dues and not being actually lesbian or anything at all." -- Beth Ditto, lead signer of The Gossip

VISUAL AIDS:

VS.

VERDICT: Beth Ditto is outspoken, but right-on-the-money. Sure, it has a catchy beat, but Katy Perry's whole coy "Well, that was fun! And now I'm going back to my boyfriend, who likes it when I do such things!" message just ain't right. Ditto's all about getting society to wake up, but Katy didn't seem to mind reveling in style over substance with this particular song. Team Ditto.

BONUS FEISTINESS:

The Tonight Show: Actually Watchable Now

2009-06-02T14:01:00.011-04:00

Conan O'Brien, the tallest and palest Celebrity Square, kicked off his new Tonight Show gig with his usual awesomeness. He ran across this great nation in an amazing montage, pausing only to visit an intriguing Victorian doll museum:

Never fear, you guys. "Conando" might be livin' near the shady Hollywood celebrities, but that doesn't mean he's doing douchey L.A. activities like sitting front row at a Lakers game:

P.S. Conan did his infamous String Dance before the monologue, so all is right with the world.

Afternoon Delight

2009-05-29T12:08:00.003-04:00

Something to ponder during the weekend...

An Anchorman sequel is in the works!

Quote of the Day - "Look over here! Am I Not Shocking?!" by Marilyn Manson

2009-05-28T11:39:00.047-04:00

"Track two is called 'Pretty as a Swastika.' It's something I said to a girl because of her complexion - with black hair, red lips and pale skin. I mean, it was a complex and poetic comment that soon led to intercourse, so I felt no reason for it to be seen as confusing, hateful and destructive. The record label [told me], Take it off the album. Rather than do so, I decided to produce it on the inside of the sleeve with a different name, so it'll be sold in Wal-Mart or wherever stores sell guns but are afraid to deal with lyrics. So I put 'Pretty as a ($)' because all of their motivations are based on money." -- Marilyn Manson, on his new album

Dear MM,

How old are you? And you're seriously STILL trying to shock people this way? Haven't you figured out that we'd only be truly shocked if you DROPPED the perma-adolescent, offensive rebel shtick?

Let me indulge you for just a second by paying attention to you long enough to get pissed about this comment. While I have been known to defend/enjoy you on several occasions, and even loved a modern dance set to your "Beautiful People," this comment ain't gonna fly with me, grandpa. You think that comment was "poetic and complex," while I think it's the kind of thing a 5th grader says to try to communicate he's edgy. You use the term "intercourse" to seem dark, while I use it to describe your parentage. For example: Alice Cooper and a Dodo Bird must have had intercourse in order to produce the artist formerly known as Brian Warner.

Oh, Manson. Shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior. [insert eye roll here]

-- VC

P.S. Here's an idea: Why don't you, Mystery, and Criss Angel co-author a book about how shocking, poetic, and revolutionary you all are, ok? Ok.

P.P.S. Evan Rachel Wood, you should be ashamed of yourself. That's nasty, girl.

+ =

Remember the Time?

2009-05-28T11:39:00.042-04:00

This one goes out to all the cat-lovers out there who might need some cheering up this gloomy Thursday!!

Paula Abdul - New Music - More Music Videos

Ah, how I wished the adorable final two American Idol contestants would've sung that during the finale show. But, you know, Queen isn't too shabby. I guess.

queen @ Yahoo! Video

I'm totally kidding, y'all, I love Queen and I loved that performance.

Square Is The New Punk

Square Video of the Week (Year?)

Square Quote of the Week: Feeding Your Soul

RIP, Nate Dogg

Game Over, Internet: Perfect GIF Has Been Found!

Square Music Alert: "Letter to Lil Wayne"

Justify My Love: But Better 'Cause It's Effing Beth Ditto!

Square Movie Alert

A Readerly 2011: Dino-sauer Edition

Hall of Shame: Movie Posters

For Your Consideration: Square Moments From the Golden Globes

Readerly 2011: Accomplished

Even NPR Says I'm A Square

For Your Consideration: Golden Globes for Squares

Readerly 2011: A Bump (or two) in the Road

Readerly 2011: Book One Done

Anti-Square Quote of the Week

A Readerly 2011 is Promised

Square Pic of the Day: Welcome to My Nightmare

My World: It Be Rocked

SquareMix: Getting Over It

Quote of the Week: WTF, Jessica Alba?

For Your Consideration: Batman 3

The Truth

It's the Weekend. Party Party Party.

Square Mash-Up?

Quote of the Week: This is How We Do It

Fear Not, Ye Squares

Square Quote of the Week

G.O. & CoCo

2010 Music for Squares: Oldies Muppets & Metal Charlemagne

Square Quote of the Week

The Square Awards: Best of the '00s *WINNERS!*

The Square Awards: Best of the '00s

Seacrest Out

Best Bridgegroom Ever

Remember the Time: 2009 Edition

Square Holiday Gift Idea

Ultimate Square Foodies

I Can't Believe It's Almost My Last Name!

Bravo! Square Quote of the Week!

Letter to Crazies: Puppy Weddings vs. Monkey Babies

Bitch Lessons from Melrose Place

Between the Two Squares

The Only Hippies I Will Ever Like

Drunk Ewoks.

Remember the Time...?

NYC Marathon '09 : Square Central

It's Official...

THIS IS HALLOWEEN

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: Bad Moon Rising

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: Fire Burn and Caldron Bubble

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

The Best Album Cover of All Time?

Har Mar Superstar just SERVED IT!!

Square Quote of the Week

Square Site of the Week: Literally, A Web Blog

Square Quote of the Week

Square Quote of the Week

"These aren't the cakes you're looking for."

Square Fiiiiight!

Square Site of the Month: I'mma Let You Finish.com

Square Guilty Pleasure: Divas

Honorary Square/Pic of the Day

RIP, The Swayze!

Sweet Temptation

Quotes of the Week

Labor Day Weekend for Squares

Ravioli-Vegetable Stacks

Directions

Remember the Time

Is it the weekend yet?!

Really, CNN?

Happy Weekend!

NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Part 2.

NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Women's Equality Day!

What the eff?!

MANDATORY TELEVISION

Square Food: What Would Brian Boitano Make?

The Square Awards: Best of the '00s WINNERS!